In confusion...among the confusion...with confusions

I am really confuse personality...i mean...i am the severe version of confusionality..(if that is a word). It takes me 2 hours to match the nice top with my trouser or my skirt, to pick the rite color for my brother’s clothes and sometimes what i am gonna eat?. ...I AM a big confusion myself.

Recently my friends brought an idea that we guys should go and check out the new medical school in Bahamas and clinical rotations offered there. That was just the highlight of the tour...to make it sound purposeful...but the hidden agenda was to have 3 days break and chill after the second mini exam. My three other girlfriends agreed to be a part of the tour and when i was asked about my thought over the nice relaxing break in Bahamas....I was like “Three days, (paused and starred at each one of them...and said again..."THREE DAYS”... in middle of the semester, you guys are planning for A BReak to BAHAMAS, an another island????? I was like whats wrong with you people? Clearly, i wasn’t interested in messing up my schedule for three days and have fun...”...PS. i am one of those people who are even confuse and uncertain about their fun breaks after tiresome and brain raping midterms. My girlfriends kept insisting to change my mind and atleast give a thought to whole idea..
I think, since i have started my medical school, my first answer has become “No”, Nah, Nada...and so on. If some guy ask me out for dinner or lunch..my answer is ”I don’t think i have time”. Do you drink ? “No”, Do you wanna join for beach bash ? “Nooooo”.
Its not that i'm negative or pessimistic person...he he. It just that ...if i say yes, i have to rationalize my decision. Why i am doing something..if i am? Honestly its pain in the arse to convince myself! so I think my brain instead of going through the whole long process of convincing...just says...”NO”. I guess it easy for me and my brain to keep things light and save time for cramming the medical information thrown at us at every single nanosecond of our lives. As i was walking back home after long day, i got a call from one of my friend, asking me about my decision. “I told here that i will let her know early in the morning”
As i was lying on my bed, starring at the roof, i kept thinking ...why don’t i just say “yes” and just go and have fun...? Why i have to give so much thought to every thing i do in my life? After all there has been few things that i have done after whole thought process and they have turned out to be wrong decision.

I kept thinking..n i asked my self various question “Don’t i deserve a break from my same tiring routine?" The answer that i got was “you are a med student, you have to suck it up for next 4 years of your life and you better learn to give off on ur so called fun”. I was like ..ok!.. But then again i asked myself “When i am gonna get to do something like that with my friends?” My brain yelled at me “You have, your whole life, to go to this island ...earth is not gonna melt in 4 years, you can go abd have fun with your your husband and your kids.”.
Adding on to the above opinions given by my brain, i got final verdict saying that, "you will be 3 days behind in your classes..” and you won’t be able to get the grades you want in the mini... ..this thought just scared me and i was like i am not gonna go...what the hell!! Next time,...
Immediately my heart got overwhelmed... i was like, why my life is all about getting an “A’s”?. I mean... aren’t there many people who have fun and yet there are good doctors? Isn’t that eventually i am gonna be..? It has been an year since i have graduated with my bachelors. During these past 365 days who had really asked me about my my grade in “Physics, or human genomic or neuro”.? Who cares for crying out loud? and why “A” should only satisfy me?..I know few doctors back home that have barely made through their classes in university and medical school and yet they are successful. My heart asked my brain “Does getting an “A's” guarantee's me a better future”...? if yes, How better and secure my future will be compared to the people....who are not getting "A's"..(i am not being judgmental) ? I thought abt my mother's doctor in past..Dr. Pompas, who was really smart and intelligent doctor, but was really self-absorbed and gave such a poor patient care that hospital end up firing him. Do patient really care, what grades their doctors pulled through their college and medical carriers? I don't know that answer. I said to myself... At the end, i don’t think it really matters....it will all come down to the point,where we have to satisfy our patients by giving good health care...not by trophies or certificates of accomplishment.
I continued concincing myself by thinking that... there had been so many past trips and adventures that i had missed when i was in college as undergrad....either i was too busy preparing for exam or applying to medical school or preparing for medical entrance exam. I even missed my first cousin marriage because it was in middle of session and i really wanted to go. There always had been something that has kept me from being having fun with my friends or being with my family get-togethers. I don’t have any regrets because as students we all have to sacrifice on things like that, but sometimes i do thing how things would have been different if i would have gotten B's ? I would have still made to med school. But, would i have been where i am? I don’t know the right answer to this question.
Coming back to the trip decision...i decided that i am gonna go and have fun...and be happy. i wouldn’t care if i end up getting b’s on my mini exam....why should i care? I slept with this thought and

next day i went back to college, back to our regular lecture room...back to my same seat. Just looking at big screen which said "you are future doctor's" My mind immediately changed....I got frustrated, and without making anymore fuss over it...”I just wrote NO with smiley face on a piece of paper and flagged it to my friends who were sitting in adjacent row.

After that my heart kept asking me...why you did that..? My brain said.."i am confuse too on this decision...:("


Parvy

Me and Jamal..slumdogs rockstars

Now i know why i really like "Slumdog Millionaire"..not being offensive to any people who didn't like it for many reasons, but i like it because i have my reasons. Because i am a Slumdog,....non-millionaire.. :). Please don't judge, i don't want people to sterotype me...but that how it is...i will try to explain how..? From past many many days, i have been putting my feelings in the box, every single day, before going to bed and hoping that it won't jump out and confront me again.

Today, in morning, I WAS NOT THINKING ABOUT HIM, But, while i was searching for my ID card, from no where i found something which I wasn't anticipating to find.....that was the "Valentine's Card" which i bought for him. It has his name and half address written in glittery fluorescent ink on it. Here we go again, I was not suppose to think about him, my morning shouldn't always start with grief of loss, atleast not the day of my exam and my interview for scholarship. And why i should always think about him??? Life should be more then than my this grief...so i decided that today i am gonna end it all. I two folded the card and put it in the pocket of my six pocket pajma, deciding that i am going to submerge this card in evening. Trying to be too smart :)....jaundice might have screwed my brain. The continuous fever and drooping of eyelids had made my life hard. I wasn't able to study continuously. I was forcing and fighting myself through every second, every minute of an hour. I barely made through my exam and not caring about how i did.

The marathon of the day was not over yet, i was just half way through. I had two hours between my interview and exam, which was at 3:30 PM. I decided to have an hour nap and then go home and quickly change for it.I woke up 5 minutes before my interview time as i was shivering in fever,...

"I'm so dead..O My god...omg, I panicked what i am gonna do now???...I looked so shity in my messed up hairs and my pajmas!!!... I started debating should I even go for interview or should i leave it???...does matter if i get this scholarship? As i sat back on my chair, the great valentine card started irritating me, in my edgy tone...i said .."what does this card want from me now..?" "God! ..things and him have become so demanding, hurting me in one way or another." I was getting frustrated. I stood up to take that card out from my pocket and tear into freaking pieces, millions small pieces.. as it has no significance whatsoever, ...when relationship is dead. there is no point in keeping things related to it. My mind immediately changed and i quickly picked up my white coat and power walked to the administration office for my interview in my loose sports pajma and messed up dry hairs. I apparently looked like a Slumdog :).

I was like Jamal, having nothing prepared for interview, going in there, with no fear of loss or gain...i told myself, who care about this interview, "life sucks "... . After few embarrassing moments as i was 15 minutes late, i went into room where i met two Indian students (one male n female), one blonde and one white guy, all nicely dressed up.

It was not regular Q/A interview, but we were being observed by Dr. Karl Vinesten, as we solved the medical case...just like HOUSE MD. We have to come up with our own differentials for the case in half hours and tell ....what we think is the condition and why we think so, on the bases of our medical knowledge so far.....?

I won't go into the details of the case that we were given, but we also got the electrocardiogram (ECG) to solve the case. Ah!! man, ECG is not my favorite thing to do. I felt like sitting in the chair of JAMAL again, not knowing the answer, looking like a slumdog, people sitting in front of me ...judging me, coz i look like Aishwariya Rai in my pj's and palled brown eyes.

"Basics is the key. Your foundation can only be strong if you basics of medicine is strong...stick to it"...golden rule given by my brother and I admit, i hardly follow it, I ramble all around, like a one jerk or slumdog :). But this was time, i had to stick to basics, because that all i knew, this guy in front of me, i think came up with the diagnostic like in 5-10 minutes, must be genius...and i was just trying to figure out the mean electrical vector, so i could know if it was myocardial infarction. I could feel that my body temp was getting normal, as i was more alert. But still I was Jamal.... only diff b/w him and me was he did cared..but i didn't..life sucks anyways...no matter what you do. Will this scholarship mend my heart, will his so called ignore therapy will end...the answer was NO, NOPE, NAH, NADA...etc etc..

I stated what ever i figured out and said i think it is right ventricle hypertrophy...etc etc...and this guy who was street smart came up with emphsema and here was the debate..what is it??? I explained my MEV and how i came up with it...to Dr. Vinesten and other audience. Looking at this desi girl.. i was thinking, why should he even care,??? after all there are so many beautiful and talented girls out there and i am one slumdog.... loser and failure.

I didnt argued much and said that "you guys might be right, but this is what i think....". Dr. Vinesten, after listening to our arguments and differential said that, the method i have learnt, used reminded me of his med school days ..back in time. When medicine was practice differently, but using my method will take time to come up with diagnostic in clinicals n Boards. But i do understand the electrophysiology behind the ECG. So using this method will never give me wrong diagnostic,..Good work, he said!! And later he did asked me, if I forgot about interview?? I politely apologised.

It was not interview session but instead they just wanted to meet us and make sure we were deserving and passionate abt medicine. We all were final candidates for scholarship. Again, Jamal was not sure, if he was going to win. But he did win...even though he was loser, a SLUMDOG, who turned out to be ultimate winner...and he did get his love at the end. I was Jamal ...but i am not sure if i am ultimate winner, but i am a SLUMDOG, seating in place of Jamal, and lot of things yet to figure out!!!...

I sat down and again this card started bothering me, i took it out of my pocket and unfolded it..said it..."you are always going to be put on edge and you enjoy doing it???".....

I said to myself "losen up and relax, nothing matter more then life and death, as it might seems" :)....it was time to go home....just like Jamal went back his home with his gf, i went back home with my memories of him with that card...

...i came back to my room and put that card back into the box...hoping again...it won't come out!!!

Parvy

The Raaga of Strange Land..

The day i have landed here, in this strange land, among strange people. I hear a different music played by the nature here~ the canopy of trees, the waves of the ocean, the language of locals, the language that i am learning.....all, I mean all of them, suddenly seems to have different rhythm all together, different raagas. I feel like unexperienced child, who is learning from the beginning, how to play musical instrument like guitar or piano. There is hesitation, I don't know why...??? If I didn't played this instrument correctly, it will produce white noise rather than,  harmonious song. 

Walking down, up and down the hill, my minds become out of control, as it starts thinking at the speed of light and all of sudden I am left in dilemma, which makes my life overwhelming.  The raaga of this new song that life is playing is hard to follow, hard to understand and hard to learn at the same time. 

My plans switch from minute to minute. I miss home, and my loved ones. I feel that I don't know myself sometimes..? Sometimes most of the day is spend in the solitude with books, when there is no one to even call my name...I feel that I am pre-mature born baby in the incubation. I couldn't stop crying when Ma said that she miss listening my giggles at home. Today, there were no initial plan of mine to go to beach, but I thought at least, silent waves of ocean will understand the tranquility that is increasing by every passing minute in my soul. 

The raaga's of this strange land makes me happy at one moment and another moment I am left pondering... I hated this, it totally reminds the days of volunteer-ship at New horizon school for handicap student. When I used the sign language to communicated with kids there, I feel no less then them, because those kids had so many things to say, to do...... but their disabilities prevented them from telling their feelings, from doing the things they would have love to do. I am not disabled with grace of god, but there is helplessness, the silence that I hear,  even though there is white noise of people walking by me, laughing etc etc. But i feel that I am standing still and people are passing through me and I don't exist anymore in this strange land which has it own raags....everything is beautiful but why my heart is sinking????

But when I say my feeling carelessly not thinking about consequences  I get confuse that if i had said more than I should have??? Am i am making myself vulnerable? Are there rules, that I have to follow?? Where are things going? Am i happy?? And are others happy??? 

Parvy

Letter to God...

Dear God, how are you? I am fine n happy and i hope you are sailing in the same boat and doing fabulous.
I will try to be precise since you are really busy...I might be saying the things that you already know...so please forgive me for that.

Back in time, we were on same page, and inseparable as my faith and believe in you was quite strong. But, I don't know how we got separated and currently, we are on different chapters of a same book....which is about my life. Last night i was sitting on my bed and I starred at the wall and there was the picture of you right by the wall clock. I don't remember when was the last time i said your name "waheguru" or "jai mata di"..i can't remember when was my last morning prayer......

When I was in my early teens in India, I was believer but was never regular in doing prayers, just like most of the teenagers. Used to go to temple on tuesdays and gurudwara on sundays. Sometimes prayed right before the exams.. . Never thought so deeply about you...I think we both were cool..because i never asked you much....

Then you decided for a roller coaster ride and new life began from a scratch in US. It was huge transition in my life. I was overjoyed to see my dad after a looooonnng time, but I missed home and life there. I used to be a free birdy... played with little kids and friends, school life was awesome. But suddenly, you caged me, there was nothing ....no friends, the culture was different, so parents became somewhat more cautious. It was hard to communicate with cousins because of different life style.

No doubt, that everything around me was beautiful, the mountains, the valleys, the sparkling highways, big buildings, the malls, and beautiful people as well............... But i came from different world, which wasn't that beautiful physically, but i was really happy in it. In this new world I was really lonely. One day, i told my father, that .......I don't like America, as I don't have any friends. He said, its normal, as it takes time to adjust in new place and he said ....he felt awkward too in the beginning. He said... its tough and things will mellow down by worshiping you.... That's when you were formally introduced in my life, and slowly things did got better. I was aware this change was due to my prayers and faith in you. Because you were giving me strength to fight against all odds. I could feel you in my serenity. Life improved and I started adjusting in new world...thanks for doing that...

I tried to be modest and honest in my prayers and avoided taking credit for accomplishments in academics. I always thanked YOU for YOUR blessings. It also true that i didn't get everything i wanted , ...but at that time i never complained..because i was ok with it.

I believe in working hard, not just praying alone...you are very well aware of that.

Slowly and slowly my prayers started going in vein. I started working harder, thinking that I am the one who is not making enough effort. I did cried and complained at times when you left me alone.....just like a little child who cries when his parents leaves him. I didn't wanted to lose my faith in you, because you were my spine and it was hard to imagine a life without you. But things got worse around me, and I started feeling terrible, and you never came forward to help me.... Worse come to worse,.....my cold war began with you. I stopped asking you, by not praying. Now I am just quiet no complains whatsoever...

I don't know you anymore. There is your picture on the wall, but i don't feel your presence anymore. I have ignored you, because you have done ditto. You started this procedure of drifting apart, I never wanted this to happen. My heart is not ready to admit that i have lost you. I have tried to console my heart by saying that i am not good person, I don't deserve your blessings...and its taking time to accept your loss in my life.
I have stopped giving you credit in my life...you are not there anymore...
Unfortunately, i am scared of praying, I am scared of you....... I think if I will ask you for anything..... that particular thing i am never gonna get....Prayers are formed in my mouth, but they are never processed into sounds waves by my brain....there is no utterance of words.......I am just quiet...you know that.

May be its your way of fooling us, by FIRST listening to our prayers, and making us dependent on you..and....When we start believing you, one day out of blue you just decide to leave us....what is that... really? why you do that? Nobody can know your hidden agendas? Do you find happiness in our miseries...you might say.....NO? But let me tell you, you are lying, because I could see you making people suffer...breaking families, making kids orphan, the heartbreaks, the poverty, the hunger...isn't that the part of your entertainment....

Oh!!! boi....i can't say anything further....

Dear god, I finally articulated my feelings into words and I was trying to do this for a long time now.....and if you are hurt by my words, I am really sorry. Thanks for your time...and good things in life, but our cold war is certainly not over yet...

I don't know if i miss you in my life. I am not angry with, because you might think so, but I can't imagine having you back in my life....because I am and happy without you...

Yours Trully
Parvy!!!

In vortex of confusion.

Its 5 AM of Sunday morning. I am so cold and not at all sleepy, my eyes are practically stoned. I feel numb. I just got back from hospital i used to work at in Sacramento.
It all started last night, I was making dinner and talking to my older brother simultaneously. I had been cooking almost all day. So food was ready ( rice and Rajma). My brother was teasing me that its good time for me to get married now. Since i have learnt everything that an Indian girl should know. I was blushing and laughing. I didn't know in few minutes my laughter would be changed into tears, a setback was just a call away.
It was call from Naomi, one of the fellow nurse i used to work with. She called me if i could be punjabi interpreter for them, since they were not able to find any body who could translate Punjabi at that point of time. I first hestitated since it was bit late, but then my brother said I should go ahead. I thought I could do that on phone for them, it was case of advanced stage Leukemia (blood cancer). A man in his late fifties was being flown from Bakerfield to Sutter. Since sutter is famous for their oncology department and care unit. For me, as i said before, Oncology ~ represent incapable world. After waiting half hour on the phone finally i talked to the doctor and was trying to do translation for them in punjabi. I started translating for that aunty i would say. As she was the only one who flew in with her husband from Bakerfield. From her punjabi accent i realized that she was Punjabi from Pakistan. She was crying and I was not able to understand what she was saying and since her punjabi was also hard to follow. I asked Doc. to wait for me and I will be on floor in half hour or so. I called my parents and told them that i have to go for emergency case.
It was very foggy and cold night. As i came out of the elevator to oncology department i saw Dr. Chabhra was leaving for his home. I know him, he speaks punjabi quite well. I had worked with him for three years and he treats me like younger sister. I asked my self why didn't he did the translation?
He asked me what I was doing there at this point of night and I told him there was case of Leukemia and they need interpreter. He said, ....he knows... "pakistani ne saley... budda aur buddi [oldies], kudda [garbage], mar jan saley , udhi janani vi pagal hai, aiwen hi ilaaz karwa rahi hai, bachna tan hai nahi uhney" he said in his sarcastic tone. His elevator to ground floor was there and he left. I think this was first time ever in my whole life I felt disgusted like hell. I could feel goose bumps all over my body. I didn't knew this battle field where we fight cancer have become so personal since i have left ....that we have started discriminating patient based on their countries and backgrounds. I couldn't believe those words were coming out from doctors.

Medicine is profession that not I just love...but its my prayer, my religion, my god. For minute i felt that somebody abused my religion. He made my worship so minuscule which was not acceptable. I was in shock.
I went upto nurses stations and asked for Mr. Abeid and his room. I saw his wife standing outside the room, wearing salwar kameez. She looked like just my mom. Same stature, same height and somewhat same face. She was crying, I went upto her and said that she was talking to me on phone earlier. She gave me lot of blessings for coming up for their help, and I hugged her and consoled her. My eyes were moist as well.....
Doctors were diagnosing her husband and getting him ready for chemotherapy. I did translation for them about his diet, medicine and what could be results and effect of chemotherapy. She was crying and said that his son will be coming here soon. They were not able to afford the health insurance and were visiting free clinics. Therefore, no scans were done to diagnose his cancer earlier. She said, we are broke as from past few months they have been spending lot of money on her husband medication. From her words and sobbing voice i couldn't differentiate was she pakistani or indian women who is going to lose her husband. For me she was woman who needs help, sympathy and someone for encouragement, just like anyone during the traumatic times, not a OLD PAKISTANI WOMAN.
I was done for the interpreting part and I could have left but i couldn't.....I was seeing my mom in her. My mom doesn't speak very well English either and i wouldn't have left my mom in tears. I went into nurses private area and was pondering about what Dr. Chabhra said. I closed my eyes and imagined myself 5 years in future, I just wanted to know if i was gonna be one of those docs. for whom religion, race, ethnicity mattered more than the health and life of patient..? I step back and wanted to rethink if I was doing the right thing in my life. I don't want to lose my soul ....I don't know if being a doctor is right thing now....because i won't be able to forgive myself i ever became that cold and corrupted doc. I won't be able to face that Dr. Parvinder......
The question that needs an answer was why I wanted to be a Doc? what is purpose behind it?

This was one night that made me think and think quite deep
~Parvy

The Valentine Heart

Have you ever seen a heart????, the one we all have on the left side of our body, protected in our chest? How many people, not including biologist, doctor, or surgeons..... but just the general public...... you think... might have seen the real, pumping heart, THE HUMAN HEART, the one in the pic above? (pause)

hmm...not very many people i guess.

but general public have seen the "THE HEART", the valentine heart...... which has beautiful pure red color, and its has perfect shape, with not arteries or veins coming in and out of it. This heart can even break into two pieces. THE HEART is not pumping the blood instead it is "beating" for someone... :). Sounds so romantic ...isn't it....huh?

It was thanksgiving eve and i was driving to San Jose airport to pick up my cousin Jassi, who was flying in from San Diego. She is my aunt's daughter and very professional by nature. She is doing her Post doctoral research for "The Heart Association of America" . She is kind of the person, from whom you learn new things, and a great example for me and other girls of our family.

Coming back to the point. The traffic jam was making me insane. The cars were moving at 10 mph in zone of 65 mph. I was listening to FM...I knew i was so late for airport. But anyhow I was happy, i knew i was gonna have blast with my cousin, we were gonna play air hockey and have an explosion of fun.

Finally i reached airport and I was soooooooo happy to see her. She looked so tired but gorgeous as always. On the phone, she told me that she had some surprise for me... I was hoping it would be some kind of shell that she might have collected from beach in san diego.........Because from last few times i am getting the pearls or shells from her. I am very found of collecting shells and pearls.

Hey!! we all love surprises don't we???????? So while walking back to parking lot, I asked her what was the surprise...... She was like, wait, lets go home and than she will tell me..i couldn't wait....so I was just going to ask her to atleast give me a hint... and that very moment my friend Roubel called me. The one who recently tried to commit suicide before my birthday and almost killed herself for her loser boyfriend. She said that ~she was really upset and her "Heart" is not ready to accept that her boy friend could be that rude and mean person. She was betrayed in love... I was consoling her and telling her that instead of using her "Heart" to make decission, she should use her brain....very cheesy line to say ...but i did said it. Coz i didn't know what else to say and i told her that i will call her at night.

Jassi and I were driving back home and she changed the channel of radio to listen to current event of the world. She asked me about Roubel's boyfriend? and if he has called again? This question just completely made me angry. "I hate that person", I said. Its not really his fault.......its Roubel's fault. How can she fall in love with person who is cheap, uneducated, practically a road side romeo.What was she thinking for all this time? That he was going to marry her? He is practically a flirt ass......one of those cheap guys who just uses the girl for their random play, just like a toy. She deserve some one, who is lot more better then him. I was all heated up. I said "she should use her brain, before making any decissions now. Atleast she could have dated a guy who was bit educated and sensitive".

(People who are reading my blog let me tell you that I don't like judging people whatsoever but believe me the tragic incident with my friend had shaken me so hard that i felt like my soul came out of my body. I can't imagine losing any more friends in my life.)

I just stopped talking. She could have died on spot on that very day....this thought made me really sad.

Few minutes later, Jassi asked me, "what is the heart???" I was like~ what kind of question is that?? she said "just answer me "...

I said~Its a Organ, (pause) that pumps blood to the body

Precisely~its a muscle. I continued defining heart.....

Its a pacemaker that can depolarize it self, means it doesn't need any control from brain to activate itself. It can just work independently on its own, if it has too. That is the reason the heart transplants are possible. I summed up by saying~A very fascinating organ..

She said "now you should know why Roubel choose that guy...Heart is a pacemaker"

I realized that answered my own question ~which was why people, when start liking someone think from heart rather than a brain??? I realized "When you like someone, your heart [ which is normally a muscle, and under control of brain and functions efficiently to keep you alive] fall out of your chest and becomes the valentine heart~The HEART., which has a perfect shape. It becomes independent of all the strings, all the controls. No matter how hard brain tries to control it and.... attempts to make it understand that its all wrong.
... THE HEART doesn't care and doesn't listen. Instead of functioning for you, its starts to just beat for that very person whom you like/love. It is indeed a fascinating organ..!!!!

I was lost in my own thoughts and suddenly, Jassi said, "i think you are prepared to know the surprise..?" I was like what you mean by "Prepared"..? She said, "Please don't freak out.."

She said~ "I met one guy in my research unit and I love him a lot". For minute i felt like her voice was falling on my ears, but practically i have gone deaf. All these years of her life, she didn't believed in falling in love before marriage, as it was UNETHICAL...and suddenly what happened????

I looked at her, she was blushing and i could see sparkles in her eyes...! without saying anything i just kept on driving back. I guess this news was more of the shock rather then a surprise for me... but my heart was just praying that she doesn't go through the heartache....in which valentine's THE HEART breaks into two piece... atleast she could have a perfect ending, just like in fairy tales.
Few minutes later (still driving), we heard the news of mumbai shootings on radio, ....which i think was quite ironic...!!! Immediately, our subject of conversation changed...

Parvy

The Euphony of LOVE

Does love really exists? Or its really a Myth and won't turn into reality ever? Those are the key questions?

People who read my blogs are aware that when it comes to love I am quite doubtful. I am not big fan of so called love. I am not talking about the love between mother or child, or love that I and you have for our families, our sibblings etc. I just wonder about the love that Romeo and Juliet were in, or Heer-Ranjha, or Soni-Mahiwal and many other great lovers. Because i truly want to feel that love, I want to experience that eternal love, not the contemporary love, which is solely caused by hormonal imbalances full of mental and physical purposes.

Please don't say its typical and girlish.....because it not!!!

One of my classmate living in India asked me, "How does he look?" First i thought why suddenly he is asking me that, i got confused?? I just stopped tracing the MRI images for a minute on which i was working simultaneously and started thinking to answer his question. He repeated his question.?? I said there is... No doubt he is handsome, cute and intelligent person. He said, than how come nobody loves me...there was the question to which i don't even have answer to!!!

He said guys who are not even handsome have girl friends....then why doesn't he has one....? I told him that color, or looks doesn't really matter, if you are in love with that person...Giving him TYPICAL ANSWER, which i know is not true....

Laughingly he ridiculed me, asking me if I really think LOVE EXIST? And people really fall in love.....he said everybody enjoy these days with no strings attach. I thought this was just fashion in Foreign countries, but certainly i was wrong.
He asked about me, if I had bf or if I was looking for bf?? I immediately just changed the topic. I didn't wanted to tell him that i have become somewhat a freak, whenever guys at work or college friend or even in social gatherings tells me that they like me ...i just start panicking now and I make excuses to avoid them. Because ....... I don't know ...why, I honestly don't know the reason? I am honestly scared. I don't want to to believe that some one could fall in love with me. Not that i am not attractive =) simply coz i am not flawless.

Coming back to my conversation with my friend. ...
While listening to him, my heart was sinking because I was expecting others to tell me that love do exist. Encourage me to believe it. So i could regain my faith in LOVE, faith which i have lost. Every time I try to believe that LOVE is not a myth, I am told that I am so freaking Right, it is indeed a Myth, and i should keep moving on the route in which i am forced to hate LOVE?

I don't want to be right. I want to be wrong at least once in my life....the one LOVE ....the true LOVE...that is not myth...
I know it is certainly a cliche, not believing in love on one hand and than hoping to find a reason to start believing in love. I want to believe in love, THE LOVE~

"THE LOVE" that brings two strangers together...LOVE that makes you passionate for your beloved. LOVE that changes autumn into springs. LOVE that mends the broken hearts....LOVE that smells good....feels right and you are just loved by love....Love that has no hidden agenda.... Love that is pure....LOVE that doesn't make you sad, love that isn't painful.... ....LOVE that just stays with you forever and ever....
I want to believe that there are happy endings, just like in story of Cinderella, or sleeping beauty....

Some where deep down in my heart I am confident that this LOVE doesn't even exist..............But its Euphony of my life that I want that love to exist...at least once...!
Till than LOVE will remain A myth for me.....and i will keep hating it!

Parvy!

When trust is an Issue...

How many of us trust people quite easily? I was among one of those people...but i have changed, I have become more of cautious kind of person..not sure if thats good or bad...

Today in morning, I woke up just on time. I was getting quite late for my rock climbing class. I quickly brushed my teeth and left for my class in night pj's. I didn't even get time to eat. It was windy morning. I was excited because finally after 4 lessons on climbing and belaying we were going to actually climb the 30 feet tall rocked wall. I have been waiting for this day since last year, when i came to know that ARC offers rock climbing classes.

After reaching ARC, I quickly wore my climbing shoes, got my harness and other climbing device from instrument room. We did warm-up exercise, the whole time i was telling my partner Henry Yu, that i can't wait to be up that high. After quick warm up, our coach Mathew Vaughn gave us safety tips.

I got ready for climbing with my safety belt and tight rope around me. I checked Henry to make sure that he was ready to belay me. We called off our names and I started climbing, I was about ten feet high on the wall. The rocks on the wall were scrapping my hands, and it was hard to pull myself up on the rocks, but i was doing it...... BUT once i looked down at Henry who was on the ground to make sure that i don't fall....i got DAMM scared. The first thing that came to my mind was what if he couldn't belay me after reaching the top..? I felt like rocks on the higher end of the wall are about to fall on me. I got really scared. The whole point was to TRUST my partner......BUT I couldn't trust him. Even though he was saying that he has things under control and i should climb further. I could sense his voice falling on my ears, but not reaching my brain. I was becoming blank, all other student were climbing but i couldn't. I asked Henry to pull me down. When i reached the ground, a cold drench ran through my body....i was nervous, my hands were turning blue....I just sat down on the floor. My coach asked me if i was ok? I didn't said anything, I was just not feeling well at all. I apologised to my coach and Henry, and left early from class. I sat outside the gym thinking that, How can quit like that? I am not a quitter....I told myself...But i couldn't trust Henry either. I don't know why..But I am not quitter, i told my mom about the whole incident, she said "rock climbing is tough activity and i'll learn slowly and slowly. But i wasn't convinced....

Recently, TRUST has become a issue for me, I take decisions and than i don't trust my judgement. Even at work, I have stop trusting people....i doubt their decisions. Trust which is foundation of every single relationship. Does it happen with everybody? I wasn't like that, i know i used to trust people quite easily...since when i have changed?? I have no clue....

Parvy

A Void

This journal i wrote when Niharika left. I am publishing today~11/9/08

Final call was made for international flights to Iraq, Jordan, UAE....I was standing by Pete's cousin sister Julie and niharika's buaji.  Niharika looked at me quickly and started setting her trolly for boarding. Pete hugged her sister and buaji and me. I knew the time to say final god bye had began already.  I didn't had guts to go near Nihar and hug her for one last time. I was practically numb and I could feel that my blood pressure was quite low, since i didn't ate anything for past 6 hours. I was avoiding her....i knew for one more time if i went near her...it will be hard for me to control my tears and her as well. Before leaving for airport mom called and said that i shouldn't be crying because Niharika's needs encouragement, and i promise that i won't cry. So i was keeping my words, by avoiding her...

She took deep breath and hugged her buaji and her buaji said ~"that from now on Pete was her family, the family that she has longed for, so for each and every minute from now on...she has to pray for his long life".

  I was happy for her that atleast she has found her love, her soul mate in Pete.  Pete came upto me and said that i should say good bye as the were boarding in few minutes. I couldn't resist and i hugged her so tightly and we both cried....every moment was creating A void....A VOID, and i told her not to cry, even though tears were rolling down my cheeks. Pete came  and hugged  us and consoled. There was silence between us...... even though there was white noise of announcements...i let her finally go, she was gone....in few minutes...she was behind the glass wall... i could see her and Pete getting their luggage checked by security. Everybody kept waving their hands, but i just simply starred ...i was sad, depress...i couldn't even smile, i could see that she was blank as well and pete was their to  hold her. 

After coming back to Davis, nothing seems to be known ....i felt like perfect stranger. A VOID of my friend, my mentor in my life was created may be forever...A VOID.....

Parvy!!

Love on Trial

Last night, I was working at Sutter hospital. One of our patient who had a brain tumor was scheduled to get neurosurgery. This kind of surgery that was suppose to be carried out was done very rare. The neurosurgeons and oncologist where going to access his tumor through his ear canal, which i have never heard before. After helping the nurses with other patients i went to OR and was watching the surgery. The surgery was suppose to go 14 hours. There were lot of nurses and others doctors who were watching the surgery from the view theater. His wife was also sitting among us. She was white woman in her late forties. It was first time that i saw a white woman chanting the god's name, it was surprising because most of the Americans are not very religious. Almost two hours passed and i was still watching the surgery that was carried out and listening to what doctors were saying about the likelihood of this man's survival. Suddenly, my phone vibrated, I went aside in the corner and picked up the phone. On the floor we are not suppose to take any private calls, but i know what made me take my cousin's call.

My cousin and myself are two different individual, we don't have any similarties what so ever. We had different priorities after graduating from high school....but i had always loved her, since she is younger than me. I always treated her like my younger biological sister.

Getting back to the call........, she asked me if i had few minutes to listen to her....i wanted to go back and watch the surgery...but i could sense that there was something wrong from her sobbing and heavy voice. She told me that .......she was getting divorce with her husband..... and for a  minute, ...i just thought that... she might had fight with Amar and she is just angry with him, and thats why she is saying like that. I asked her what happened, she said.... "Amar is not the same person I married, he is so suspicious all the time...."

I didn't know what to say....i told her that if she was joking with me, its really bad on her part.... She said ~she was serious and she is back to massi's place with her one year old daughter and meeting the attorney to file divorce. I told her that i will call her after work...because i was just out of words and didn't wanted to say anything without thinking...I want back to OR theater, but i couldn't focus. I decided to leave early from work.

From going back to the oncology floor, in the elevator, back to parking lot, driving back home...i kept saying that they guys were love...they guys were love??? How come love can die in three years of marriage...love should grown more and more with every passing year of marriage. Isn't the marriage the success of love????....I asked myself..and the answer that i got from my heart was "definitely"....how can love die??

It was not the first time i was seeing the two people in marriage getting divorce, but i couldn't imagine that this time it was my cousin and her husband. My cousin ... went against whole family and relatives to just marry this guy....now what has happened???

 Love can put relationships and people on trial....and this time my cousin' marriage was on trial.

I am very familiar with this so called man name "Mr.Love" I have seen the strength of love, the happiness it can offer and disappointments it can created in one's life. 
I was just thinking about the vows that two people take when they get married....how come those vows weaken in just three years of marriage??? What is the fault of their one year old daughter??? She doesn't even understand the meaning of father and she will be losing one soon....THE LOVE was putting the life of one year old on trial. 

I already had the hatred feeling towards this~ "The LOVE", but suddenly, I pity on the people who say that they love some one, because they have no clue what they are putting themselves into.

 In the contemporary world of today love is just a fashion, just like a branded clothes..IT is a BRANDED feelings. People wants to try this branded feelings, because they see others trying this brand so called LOVE.....because they don't know the hazards that love can cause. People are unaware of the radiation that love is capable of spreading....which in most cases is capable of destroying their life and life of people connected to them..

So i honestly pity the people in LOVE...because they don't know their life is on Trial.....

Parvy