In confusion...among the confusion...with confusions

I am really confuse personality...i mean...i am the severe version of confusionality..(if that is a word). It takes me 2 hours to match the nice top with my trouser or my skirt, to pick the rite color for my brother’s clothes and sometimes what i am gonna eat?. ...I AM a big confusion myself.

Recently my friends brought an idea that we guys should go and check out the new medical school in Bahamas and clinical rotations offered there. That was just the highlight of the tour...to make it sound purposeful...but the hidden agenda was to have 3 days break and chill after the second mini exam. My three other girlfriends agreed to be a part of the tour and when i was asked about my thought over the nice relaxing break in Bahamas....I was like “Three days, (paused and starred at each one of them...and said again..."THREE DAYS”... in middle of the semester, you guys are planning for A BReak to BAHAMAS, an another island????? I was like whats wrong with you people? Clearly, i wasn’t interested in messing up my schedule for three days and have fun...”...PS. i am one of those people who are even confuse and uncertain about their fun breaks after tiresome and brain raping midterms. My girlfriends kept insisting to change my mind and atleast give a thought to whole idea..
I think, since i have started my medical school, my first answer has become “No”, Nah, Nada...and so on. If some guy ask me out for dinner or lunch..my answer is ”I don’t think i have time”. Do you drink ? “No”, Do you wanna join for beach bash ? “Nooooo”.
Its not that i'm negative or pessimistic person...he he. It just that ...if i say yes, i have to rationalize my decision. Why i am doing something..if i am? Honestly its pain in the arse to convince myself! so I think my brain instead of going through the whole long process of convincing...just says...”NO”. I guess it easy for me and my brain to keep things light and save time for cramming the medical information thrown at us at every single nanosecond of our lives. As i was walking back home after long day, i got a call from one of my friend, asking me about my decision. “I told here that i will let her know early in the morning”
As i was lying on my bed, starring at the roof, i kept thinking ...why don’t i just say “yes” and just go and have fun...? Why i have to give so much thought to every thing i do in my life? After all there has been few things that i have done after whole thought process and they have turned out to be wrong decision.

I kept thinking..n i asked my self various question “Don’t i deserve a break from my same tiring routine?" The answer that i got was “you are a med student, you have to suck it up for next 4 years of your life and you better learn to give off on ur so called fun”. I was like ..ok!.. But then again i asked myself “When i am gonna get to do something like that with my friends?” My brain yelled at me “You have, your whole life, to go to this island ...earth is not gonna melt in 4 years, you can go abd have fun with your your husband and your kids.”.
Adding on to the above opinions given by my brain, i got final verdict saying that, "you will be 3 days behind in your classes..” and you won’t be able to get the grades you want in the mini... ..this thought just scared me and i was like i am not gonna go...what the hell!! Next time,...
Immediately my heart got overwhelmed... i was like, why my life is all about getting an “A’s”?. I mean... aren’t there many people who have fun and yet there are good doctors? Isn’t that eventually i am gonna be..? It has been an year since i have graduated with my bachelors. During these past 365 days who had really asked me about my my grade in “Physics, or human genomic or neuro”.? Who cares for crying out loud? and why “A” should only satisfy me?..I know few doctors back home that have barely made through their classes in university and medical school and yet they are successful. My heart asked my brain “Does getting an “A's” guarantee's me a better future”...? if yes, How better and secure my future will be compared to the people....who are not getting "A's"..(i am not being judgmental) ? I thought abt my mother's doctor in past..Dr. Pompas, who was really smart and intelligent doctor, but was really self-absorbed and gave such a poor patient care that hospital end up firing him. Do patient really care, what grades their doctors pulled through their college and medical carriers? I don't know that answer. I said to myself... At the end, i don’t think it really matters....it will all come down to the point,where we have to satisfy our patients by giving good health care...not by trophies or certificates of accomplishment.
I continued concincing myself by thinking that... there had been so many past trips and adventures that i had missed when i was in college as undergrad....either i was too busy preparing for exam or applying to medical school or preparing for medical entrance exam. I even missed my first cousin marriage because it was in middle of session and i really wanted to go. There always had been something that has kept me from being having fun with my friends or being with my family get-togethers. I don’t have any regrets because as students we all have to sacrifice on things like that, but sometimes i do thing how things would have been different if i would have gotten B's ? I would have still made to med school. But, would i have been where i am? I don’t know the right answer to this question.
Coming back to the trip decision...i decided that i am gonna go and have fun...and be happy. i wouldn’t care if i end up getting b’s on my mini exam....why should i care? I slept with this thought and

next day i went back to college, back to our regular lecture room...back to my same seat. Just looking at big screen which said "you are future doctor's" My mind immediately changed....I got frustrated, and without making anymore fuss over it...”I just wrote NO with smiley face on a piece of paper and flagged it to my friends who were sitting in adjacent row.

After that my heart kept asking me...why you did that..? My brain said.."i am confuse too on this decision...:("


Parvy