In vortex of confusion.

Its 5 AM of Sunday morning. I am so cold and not at all sleepy, my eyes are practically stoned. I feel numb. I just got back from hospital i used to work at in Sacramento.
It all started last night, I was making dinner and talking to my older brother simultaneously. I had been cooking almost all day. So food was ready ( rice and Rajma). My brother was teasing me that its good time for me to get married now. Since i have learnt everything that an Indian girl should know. I was blushing and laughing. I didn't know in few minutes my laughter would be changed into tears, a setback was just a call away.
It was call from Naomi, one of the fellow nurse i used to work with. She called me if i could be punjabi interpreter for them, since they were not able to find any body who could translate Punjabi at that point of time. I first hestitated since it was bit late, but then my brother said I should go ahead. I thought I could do that on phone for them, it was case of advanced stage Leukemia (blood cancer). A man in his late fifties was being flown from Bakerfield to Sutter. Since sutter is famous for their oncology department and care unit. For me, as i said before, Oncology ~ represent incapable world. After waiting half hour on the phone finally i talked to the doctor and was trying to do translation for them in punjabi. I started translating for that aunty i would say. As she was the only one who flew in with her husband from Bakerfield. From her punjabi accent i realized that she was Punjabi from Pakistan. She was crying and I was not able to understand what she was saying and since her punjabi was also hard to follow. I asked Doc. to wait for me and I will be on floor in half hour or so. I called my parents and told them that i have to go for emergency case.
It was very foggy and cold night. As i came out of the elevator to oncology department i saw Dr. Chabhra was leaving for his home. I know him, he speaks punjabi quite well. I had worked with him for three years and he treats me like younger sister. I asked my self why didn't he did the translation?
He asked me what I was doing there at this point of night and I told him there was case of Leukemia and they need interpreter. He said, ....he knows... "pakistani ne saley... budda aur buddi [oldies], kudda [garbage], mar jan saley , udhi janani vi pagal hai, aiwen hi ilaaz karwa rahi hai, bachna tan hai nahi uhney" he said in his sarcastic tone. His elevator to ground floor was there and he left. I think this was first time ever in my whole life I felt disgusted like hell. I could feel goose bumps all over my body. I didn't knew this battle field where we fight cancer have become so personal since i have left ....that we have started discriminating patient based on their countries and backgrounds. I couldn't believe those words were coming out from doctors.

Medicine is profession that not I just love...but its my prayer, my religion, my god. For minute i felt that somebody abused my religion. He made my worship so minuscule which was not acceptable. I was in shock.
I went upto nurses stations and asked for Mr. Abeid and his room. I saw his wife standing outside the room, wearing salwar kameez. She looked like just my mom. Same stature, same height and somewhat same face. She was crying, I went upto her and said that she was talking to me on phone earlier. She gave me lot of blessings for coming up for their help, and I hugged her and consoled her. My eyes were moist as well.....
Doctors were diagnosing her husband and getting him ready for chemotherapy. I did translation for them about his diet, medicine and what could be results and effect of chemotherapy. She was crying and said that his son will be coming here soon. They were not able to afford the health insurance and were visiting free clinics. Therefore, no scans were done to diagnose his cancer earlier. She said, we are broke as from past few months they have been spending lot of money on her husband medication. From her words and sobbing voice i couldn't differentiate was she pakistani or indian women who is going to lose her husband. For me she was woman who needs help, sympathy and someone for encouragement, just like anyone during the traumatic times, not a OLD PAKISTANI WOMAN.
I was done for the interpreting part and I could have left but i couldn't.....I was seeing my mom in her. My mom doesn't speak very well English either and i wouldn't have left my mom in tears. I went into nurses private area and was pondering about what Dr. Chabhra said. I closed my eyes and imagined myself 5 years in future, I just wanted to know if i was gonna be one of those docs. for whom religion, race, ethnicity mattered more than the health and life of patient..? I step back and wanted to rethink if I was doing the right thing in my life. I don't want to lose my soul ....I don't know if being a doctor is right thing now....because i won't be able to forgive myself i ever became that cold and corrupted doc. I won't be able to face that Dr. Parvinder......
The question that needs an answer was why I wanted to be a Doc? what is purpose behind it?

This was one night that made me think and think quite deep
~Parvy