Letter to God...

Dear God, how are you? I am fine n happy and i hope you are sailing in the same boat and doing fabulous.
I will try to be precise since you are really busy...I might be saying the things that you already know...so please forgive me for that.

Back in time, we were on same page, and inseparable as my faith and believe in you was quite strong. But, I don't know how we got separated and currently, we are on different chapters of a same book....which is about my life. Last night i was sitting on my bed and I starred at the wall and there was the picture of you right by the wall clock. I don't remember when was the last time i said your name "waheguru" or "jai mata di"..i can't remember when was my last morning prayer......

When I was in my early teens in India, I was believer but was never regular in doing prayers, just like most of the teenagers. Used to go to temple on tuesdays and gurudwara on sundays. Sometimes prayed right before the exams.. . Never thought so deeply about you...I think we both were cool..because i never asked you much....

Then you decided for a roller coaster ride and new life began from a scratch in US. It was huge transition in my life. I was overjoyed to see my dad after a looooonnng time, but I missed home and life there. I used to be a free birdy... played with little kids and friends, school life was awesome. But suddenly, you caged me, there was nothing ....no friends, the culture was different, so parents became somewhat more cautious. It was hard to communicate with cousins because of different life style.

No doubt, that everything around me was beautiful, the mountains, the valleys, the sparkling highways, big buildings, the malls, and beautiful people as well............... But i came from different world, which wasn't that beautiful physically, but i was really happy in it. In this new world I was really lonely. One day, i told my father, that .......I don't like America, as I don't have any friends. He said, its normal, as it takes time to adjust in new place and he said ....he felt awkward too in the beginning. He said... its tough and things will mellow down by worshiping you.... That's when you were formally introduced in my life, and slowly things did got better. I was aware this change was due to my prayers and faith in you. Because you were giving me strength to fight against all odds. I could feel you in my serenity. Life improved and I started adjusting in new world...thanks for doing that...

I tried to be modest and honest in my prayers and avoided taking credit for accomplishments in academics. I always thanked YOU for YOUR blessings. It also true that i didn't get everything i wanted , ...but at that time i never complained..because i was ok with it.

I believe in working hard, not just praying alone...you are very well aware of that.

Slowly and slowly my prayers started going in vein. I started working harder, thinking that I am the one who is not making enough effort. I did cried and complained at times when you left me alone.....just like a little child who cries when his parents leaves him. I didn't wanted to lose my faith in you, because you were my spine and it was hard to imagine a life without you. But things got worse around me, and I started feeling terrible, and you never came forward to help me.... Worse come to worse,.....my cold war began with you. I stopped asking you, by not praying. Now I am just quiet no complains whatsoever...

I don't know you anymore. There is your picture on the wall, but i don't feel your presence anymore. I have ignored you, because you have done ditto. You started this procedure of drifting apart, I never wanted this to happen. My heart is not ready to admit that i have lost you. I have tried to console my heart by saying that i am not good person, I don't deserve your blessings...and its taking time to accept your loss in my life.
I have stopped giving you credit in my life...you are not there anymore...
Unfortunately, i am scared of praying, I am scared of you....... I think if I will ask you for anything..... that particular thing i am never gonna get....Prayers are formed in my mouth, but they are never processed into sounds waves by my brain....there is no utterance of words.......I am just quiet...you know that.

May be its your way of fooling us, by FIRST listening to our prayers, and making us dependent on you..and....When we start believing you, one day out of blue you just decide to leave us....what is that... really? why you do that? Nobody can know your hidden agendas? Do you find happiness in our miseries...you might say.....NO? But let me tell you, you are lying, because I could see you making people suffer...breaking families, making kids orphan, the heartbreaks, the poverty, the hunger...isn't that the part of your entertainment....

Oh!!! boi....i can't say anything further....

Dear god, I finally articulated my feelings into words and I was trying to do this for a long time now.....and if you are hurt by my words, I am really sorry. Thanks for your time...and good things in life, but our cold war is certainly not over yet...

I don't know if i miss you in my life. I am not angry with, because you might think so, but I can't imagine having you back in my life....because I am and happy without you...

Yours Trully
Parvy!!!

In vortex of confusion.

Its 5 AM of Sunday morning. I am so cold and not at all sleepy, my eyes are practically stoned. I feel numb. I just got back from hospital i used to work at in Sacramento.
It all started last night, I was making dinner and talking to my older brother simultaneously. I had been cooking almost all day. So food was ready ( rice and Rajma). My brother was teasing me that its good time for me to get married now. Since i have learnt everything that an Indian girl should know. I was blushing and laughing. I didn't know in few minutes my laughter would be changed into tears, a setback was just a call away.
It was call from Naomi, one of the fellow nurse i used to work with. She called me if i could be punjabi interpreter for them, since they were not able to find any body who could translate Punjabi at that point of time. I first hestitated since it was bit late, but then my brother said I should go ahead. I thought I could do that on phone for them, it was case of advanced stage Leukemia (blood cancer). A man in his late fifties was being flown from Bakerfield to Sutter. Since sutter is famous for their oncology department and care unit. For me, as i said before, Oncology ~ represent incapable world. After waiting half hour on the phone finally i talked to the doctor and was trying to do translation for them in punjabi. I started translating for that aunty i would say. As she was the only one who flew in with her husband from Bakerfield. From her punjabi accent i realized that she was Punjabi from Pakistan. She was crying and I was not able to understand what she was saying and since her punjabi was also hard to follow. I asked Doc. to wait for me and I will be on floor in half hour or so. I called my parents and told them that i have to go for emergency case.
It was very foggy and cold night. As i came out of the elevator to oncology department i saw Dr. Chabhra was leaving for his home. I know him, he speaks punjabi quite well. I had worked with him for three years and he treats me like younger sister. I asked my self why didn't he did the translation?
He asked me what I was doing there at this point of night and I told him there was case of Leukemia and they need interpreter. He said, ....he knows... "pakistani ne saley... budda aur buddi [oldies], kudda [garbage], mar jan saley , udhi janani vi pagal hai, aiwen hi ilaaz karwa rahi hai, bachna tan hai nahi uhney" he said in his sarcastic tone. His elevator to ground floor was there and he left. I think this was first time ever in my whole life I felt disgusted like hell. I could feel goose bumps all over my body. I didn't knew this battle field where we fight cancer have become so personal since i have left ....that we have started discriminating patient based on their countries and backgrounds. I couldn't believe those words were coming out from doctors.

Medicine is profession that not I just love...but its my prayer, my religion, my god. For minute i felt that somebody abused my religion. He made my worship so minuscule which was not acceptable. I was in shock.
I went upto nurses stations and asked for Mr. Abeid and his room. I saw his wife standing outside the room, wearing salwar kameez. She looked like just my mom. Same stature, same height and somewhat same face. She was crying, I went upto her and said that she was talking to me on phone earlier. She gave me lot of blessings for coming up for their help, and I hugged her and consoled her. My eyes were moist as well.....
Doctors were diagnosing her husband and getting him ready for chemotherapy. I did translation for them about his diet, medicine and what could be results and effect of chemotherapy. She was crying and said that his son will be coming here soon. They were not able to afford the health insurance and were visiting free clinics. Therefore, no scans were done to diagnose his cancer earlier. She said, we are broke as from past few months they have been spending lot of money on her husband medication. From her words and sobbing voice i couldn't differentiate was she pakistani or indian women who is going to lose her husband. For me she was woman who needs help, sympathy and someone for encouragement, just like anyone during the traumatic times, not a OLD PAKISTANI WOMAN.
I was done for the interpreting part and I could have left but i couldn't.....I was seeing my mom in her. My mom doesn't speak very well English either and i wouldn't have left my mom in tears. I went into nurses private area and was pondering about what Dr. Chabhra said. I closed my eyes and imagined myself 5 years in future, I just wanted to know if i was gonna be one of those docs. for whom religion, race, ethnicity mattered more than the health and life of patient..? I step back and wanted to rethink if I was doing the right thing in my life. I don't want to lose my soul ....I don't know if being a doctor is right thing now....because i won't be able to forgive myself i ever became that cold and corrupted doc. I won't be able to face that Dr. Parvinder......
The question that needs an answer was why I wanted to be a Doc? what is purpose behind it?

This was one night that made me think and think quite deep
~Parvy

The Valentine Heart

Have you ever seen a heart????, the one we all have on the left side of our body, protected in our chest? How many people, not including biologist, doctor, or surgeons..... but just the general public...... you think... might have seen the real, pumping heart, THE HUMAN HEART, the one in the pic above? (pause)

hmm...not very many people i guess.

but general public have seen the "THE HEART", the valentine heart...... which has beautiful pure red color, and its has perfect shape, with not arteries or veins coming in and out of it. This heart can even break into two pieces. THE HEART is not pumping the blood instead it is "beating" for someone... :). Sounds so romantic ...isn't it....huh?

It was thanksgiving eve and i was driving to San Jose airport to pick up my cousin Jassi, who was flying in from San Diego. She is my aunt's daughter and very professional by nature. She is doing her Post doctoral research for "The Heart Association of America" . She is kind of the person, from whom you learn new things, and a great example for me and other girls of our family.

Coming back to the point. The traffic jam was making me insane. The cars were moving at 10 mph in zone of 65 mph. I was listening to FM...I knew i was so late for airport. But anyhow I was happy, i knew i was gonna have blast with my cousin, we were gonna play air hockey and have an explosion of fun.

Finally i reached airport and I was soooooooo happy to see her. She looked so tired but gorgeous as always. On the phone, she told me that she had some surprise for me... I was hoping it would be some kind of shell that she might have collected from beach in san diego.........Because from last few times i am getting the pearls or shells from her. I am very found of collecting shells and pearls.

Hey!! we all love surprises don't we???????? So while walking back to parking lot, I asked her what was the surprise...... She was like, wait, lets go home and than she will tell me..i couldn't wait....so I was just going to ask her to atleast give me a hint... and that very moment my friend Roubel called me. The one who recently tried to commit suicide before my birthday and almost killed herself for her loser boyfriend. She said that ~she was really upset and her "Heart" is not ready to accept that her boy friend could be that rude and mean person. She was betrayed in love... I was consoling her and telling her that instead of using her "Heart" to make decission, she should use her brain....very cheesy line to say ...but i did said it. Coz i didn't know what else to say and i told her that i will call her at night.

Jassi and I were driving back home and she changed the channel of radio to listen to current event of the world. She asked me about Roubel's boyfriend? and if he has called again? This question just completely made me angry. "I hate that person", I said. Its not really his fault.......its Roubel's fault. How can she fall in love with person who is cheap, uneducated, practically a road side romeo.What was she thinking for all this time? That he was going to marry her? He is practically a flirt ass......one of those cheap guys who just uses the girl for their random play, just like a toy. She deserve some one, who is lot more better then him. I was all heated up. I said "she should use her brain, before making any decissions now. Atleast she could have dated a guy who was bit educated and sensitive".

(People who are reading my blog let me tell you that I don't like judging people whatsoever but believe me the tragic incident with my friend had shaken me so hard that i felt like my soul came out of my body. I can't imagine losing any more friends in my life.)

I just stopped talking. She could have died on spot on that very day....this thought made me really sad.

Few minutes later, Jassi asked me, "what is the heart???" I was like~ what kind of question is that?? she said "just answer me "...

I said~Its a Organ, (pause) that pumps blood to the body

Precisely~its a muscle. I continued defining heart.....

Its a pacemaker that can depolarize it self, means it doesn't need any control from brain to activate itself. It can just work independently on its own, if it has too. That is the reason the heart transplants are possible. I summed up by saying~A very fascinating organ..

She said "now you should know why Roubel choose that guy...Heart is a pacemaker"

I realized that answered my own question ~which was why people, when start liking someone think from heart rather than a brain??? I realized "When you like someone, your heart [ which is normally a muscle, and under control of brain and functions efficiently to keep you alive] fall out of your chest and becomes the valentine heart~The HEART., which has a perfect shape. It becomes independent of all the strings, all the controls. No matter how hard brain tries to control it and.... attempts to make it understand that its all wrong.
... THE HEART doesn't care and doesn't listen. Instead of functioning for you, its starts to just beat for that very person whom you like/love. It is indeed a fascinating organ..!!!!

I was lost in my own thoughts and suddenly, Jassi said, "i think you are prepared to know the surprise..?" I was like what you mean by "Prepared"..? She said, "Please don't freak out.."

She said~ "I met one guy in my research unit and I love him a lot". For minute i felt like her voice was falling on my ears, but practically i have gone deaf. All these years of her life, she didn't believed in falling in love before marriage, as it was UNETHICAL...and suddenly what happened????

I looked at her, she was blushing and i could see sparkles in her eyes...! without saying anything i just kept on driving back. I guess this news was more of the shock rather then a surprise for me... but my heart was just praying that she doesn't go through the heartache....in which valentine's THE HEART breaks into two piece... atleast she could have a perfect ending, just like in fairy tales.
Few minutes later (still driving), we heard the news of mumbai shootings on radio, ....which i think was quite ironic...!!! Immediately, our subject of conversation changed...

Parvy

The Euphony of LOVE

Does love really exists? Or its really a Myth and won't turn into reality ever? Those are the key questions?

People who read my blogs are aware that when it comes to love I am quite doubtful. I am not big fan of so called love. I am not talking about the love between mother or child, or love that I and you have for our families, our sibblings etc. I just wonder about the love that Romeo and Juliet were in, or Heer-Ranjha, or Soni-Mahiwal and many other great lovers. Because i truly want to feel that love, I want to experience that eternal love, not the contemporary love, which is solely caused by hormonal imbalances full of mental and physical purposes.

Please don't say its typical and girlish.....because it not!!!

One of my classmate living in India asked me, "How does he look?" First i thought why suddenly he is asking me that, i got confused?? I just stopped tracing the MRI images for a minute on which i was working simultaneously and started thinking to answer his question. He repeated his question.?? I said there is... No doubt he is handsome, cute and intelligent person. He said, than how come nobody loves me...there was the question to which i don't even have answer to!!!

He said guys who are not even handsome have girl friends....then why doesn't he has one....? I told him that color, or looks doesn't really matter, if you are in love with that person...Giving him TYPICAL ANSWER, which i know is not true....

Laughingly he ridiculed me, asking me if I really think LOVE EXIST? And people really fall in love.....he said everybody enjoy these days with no strings attach. I thought this was just fashion in Foreign countries, but certainly i was wrong.
He asked about me, if I had bf or if I was looking for bf?? I immediately just changed the topic. I didn't wanted to tell him that i have become somewhat a freak, whenever guys at work or college friend or even in social gatherings tells me that they like me ...i just start panicking now and I make excuses to avoid them. Because ....... I don't know ...why, I honestly don't know the reason? I am honestly scared. I don't want to to believe that some one could fall in love with me. Not that i am not attractive =) simply coz i am not flawless.

Coming back to my conversation with my friend. ...
While listening to him, my heart was sinking because I was expecting others to tell me that love do exist. Encourage me to believe it. So i could regain my faith in LOVE, faith which i have lost. Every time I try to believe that LOVE is not a myth, I am told that I am so freaking Right, it is indeed a Myth, and i should keep moving on the route in which i am forced to hate LOVE?

I don't want to be right. I want to be wrong at least once in my life....the one LOVE ....the true LOVE...that is not myth...
I know it is certainly a cliche, not believing in love on one hand and than hoping to find a reason to start believing in love. I want to believe in love, THE LOVE~

"THE LOVE" that brings two strangers together...LOVE that makes you passionate for your beloved. LOVE that changes autumn into springs. LOVE that mends the broken hearts....LOVE that smells good....feels right and you are just loved by love....Love that has no hidden agenda.... Love that is pure....LOVE that doesn't make you sad, love that isn't painful.... ....LOVE that just stays with you forever and ever....
I want to believe that there are happy endings, just like in story of Cinderella, or sleeping beauty....

Some where deep down in my heart I am confident that this LOVE doesn't even exist..............But its Euphony of my life that I want that love to exist...at least once...!
Till than LOVE will remain A myth for me.....and i will keep hating it!

Parvy!

When trust is an Issue...

How many of us trust people quite easily? I was among one of those people...but i have changed, I have become more of cautious kind of person..not sure if thats good or bad...

Today in morning, I woke up just on time. I was getting quite late for my rock climbing class. I quickly brushed my teeth and left for my class in night pj's. I didn't even get time to eat. It was windy morning. I was excited because finally after 4 lessons on climbing and belaying we were going to actually climb the 30 feet tall rocked wall. I have been waiting for this day since last year, when i came to know that ARC offers rock climbing classes.

After reaching ARC, I quickly wore my climbing shoes, got my harness and other climbing device from instrument room. We did warm-up exercise, the whole time i was telling my partner Henry Yu, that i can't wait to be up that high. After quick warm up, our coach Mathew Vaughn gave us safety tips.

I got ready for climbing with my safety belt and tight rope around me. I checked Henry to make sure that he was ready to belay me. We called off our names and I started climbing, I was about ten feet high on the wall. The rocks on the wall were scrapping my hands, and it was hard to pull myself up on the rocks, but i was doing it...... BUT once i looked down at Henry who was on the ground to make sure that i don't fall....i got DAMM scared. The first thing that came to my mind was what if he couldn't belay me after reaching the top..? I felt like rocks on the higher end of the wall are about to fall on me. I got really scared. The whole point was to TRUST my partner......BUT I couldn't trust him. Even though he was saying that he has things under control and i should climb further. I could sense his voice falling on my ears, but not reaching my brain. I was becoming blank, all other student were climbing but i couldn't. I asked Henry to pull me down. When i reached the ground, a cold drench ran through my body....i was nervous, my hands were turning blue....I just sat down on the floor. My coach asked me if i was ok? I didn't said anything, I was just not feeling well at all. I apologised to my coach and Henry, and left early from class. I sat outside the gym thinking that, How can quit like that? I am not a quitter....I told myself...But i couldn't trust Henry either. I don't know why..But I am not quitter, i told my mom about the whole incident, she said "rock climbing is tough activity and i'll learn slowly and slowly. But i wasn't convinced....

Recently, TRUST has become a issue for me, I take decisions and than i don't trust my judgement. Even at work, I have stop trusting people....i doubt their decisions. Trust which is foundation of every single relationship. Does it happen with everybody? I wasn't like that, i know i used to trust people quite easily...since when i have changed?? I have no clue....

Parvy

A Void

This journal i wrote when Niharika left. I am publishing today~11/9/08

Final call was made for international flights to Iraq, Jordan, UAE....I was standing by Pete's cousin sister Julie and niharika's buaji.  Niharika looked at me quickly and started setting her trolly for boarding. Pete hugged her sister and buaji and me. I knew the time to say final god bye had began already.  I didn't had guts to go near Nihar and hug her for one last time. I was practically numb and I could feel that my blood pressure was quite low, since i didn't ate anything for past 6 hours. I was avoiding her....i knew for one more time if i went near her...it will be hard for me to control my tears and her as well. Before leaving for airport mom called and said that i shouldn't be crying because Niharika's needs encouragement, and i promise that i won't cry. So i was keeping my words, by avoiding her...

She took deep breath and hugged her buaji and her buaji said ~"that from now on Pete was her family, the family that she has longed for, so for each and every minute from now on...she has to pray for his long life".

  I was happy for her that atleast she has found her love, her soul mate in Pete.  Pete came upto me and said that i should say good bye as the were boarding in few minutes. I couldn't resist and i hugged her so tightly and we both cried....every moment was creating A void....A VOID, and i told her not to cry, even though tears were rolling down my cheeks. Pete came  and hugged  us and consoled. There was silence between us...... even though there was white noise of announcements...i let her finally go, she was gone....in few minutes...she was behind the glass wall... i could see her and Pete getting their luggage checked by security. Everybody kept waving their hands, but i just simply starred ...i was sad, depress...i couldn't even smile, i could see that she was blank as well and pete was their to  hold her. 

After coming back to Davis, nothing seems to be known ....i felt like perfect stranger. A VOID of my friend, my mentor in my life was created may be forever...A VOID.....

Parvy!!

Love on Trial

Last night, I was working at Sutter hospital. One of our patient who had a brain tumor was scheduled to get neurosurgery. This kind of surgery that was suppose to be carried out was done very rare. The neurosurgeons and oncologist where going to access his tumor through his ear canal, which i have never heard before. After helping the nurses with other patients i went to OR and was watching the surgery. The surgery was suppose to go 14 hours. There were lot of nurses and others doctors who were watching the surgery from the view theater. His wife was also sitting among us. She was white woman in her late forties. It was first time that i saw a white woman chanting the god's name, it was surprising because most of the Americans are not very religious. Almost two hours passed and i was still watching the surgery that was carried out and listening to what doctors were saying about the likelihood of this man's survival. Suddenly, my phone vibrated, I went aside in the corner and picked up the phone. On the floor we are not suppose to take any private calls, but i know what made me take my cousin's call.

My cousin and myself are two different individual, we don't have any similarties what so ever. We had different priorities after graduating from high school....but i had always loved her, since she is younger than me. I always treated her like my younger biological sister.

Getting back to the call........, she asked me if i had few minutes to listen to her....i wanted to go back and watch the surgery...but i could sense that there was something wrong from her sobbing and heavy voice. She told me that .......she was getting divorce with her husband..... and for a  minute, ...i just thought that... she might had fight with Amar and she is just angry with him, and thats why she is saying like that. I asked her what happened, she said.... "Amar is not the same person I married, he is so suspicious all the time...."

I didn't know what to say....i told her that if she was joking with me, its really bad on her part.... She said ~she was serious and she is back to massi's place with her one year old daughter and meeting the attorney to file divorce. I told her that i will call her after work...because i was just out of words and didn't wanted to say anything without thinking...I want back to OR theater, but i couldn't focus. I decided to leave early from work.

From going back to the oncology floor, in the elevator, back to parking lot, driving back home...i kept saying that they guys were love...they guys were love??? How come love can die in three years of marriage...love should grown more and more with every passing year of marriage. Isn't the marriage the success of love????....I asked myself..and the answer that i got from my heart was "definitely"....how can love die??

It was not the first time i was seeing the two people in marriage getting divorce, but i couldn't imagine that this time it was my cousin and her husband. My cousin ... went against whole family and relatives to just marry this guy....now what has happened???

 Love can put relationships and people on trial....and this time my cousin' marriage was on trial.

I am very familiar with this so called man name "Mr.Love" I have seen the strength of love, the happiness it can offer and disappointments it can created in one's life. 
I was just thinking about the vows that two people take when they get married....how come those vows weaken in just three years of marriage??? What is the fault of their one year old daughter??? She doesn't even understand the meaning of father and she will be losing one soon....THE LOVE was putting the life of one year old on trial. 

I already had the hatred feeling towards this~ "The LOVE", but suddenly, I pity on the people who say that they love some one, because they have no clue what they are putting themselves into.

 In the contemporary world of today love is just a fashion, just like a branded clothes..IT is a BRANDED feelings. People wants to try this branded feelings, because they see others trying this brand so called LOVE.....because they don't know the hazards that love can cause. People are unaware of the radiation that love is capable of spreading....which in most cases is capable of destroying their life and life of people connected to them..

So i honestly pity the people in LOVE...because they don't know their life is on Trial.....

Parvy

Finding the reasons.!

Why things happen? and why they happen with me? Were usually my two questions that i ask babaji quite often, but guess what ......i never got answers. Sometimes my mom and other people used to tell me that its is matter of Karma.... i don't find this quite convincing answer...many of them do, i don't think that is the answer i am looking for..until to day.

I used to be a firm believer of god, but things happened in my life that tested my faith. Honestly speaking, I've failed at situations when my faith or trust in babaji was tested . I am not patient at all and very desperate to get good and instant results. I am always curious to know the REASONS for things that go wrong with me. When i don't have any bad intention, why things don't always go well!!!!.........

Few weeks ago, I stopped doing padh and i never told my parent's about my cold war with babaji. So i went to gurudwara whenever my mom asked me, because i knew if she figure out about my cold war, I will be scolded and will pushed to do padh, which i didn't wanted to.

Couple of days ago i went to gurudwara with mom. Before moving on I have question to people who are reading my blog.....
How many of you can focus and just think about god, when we are in temple or gurudwara? Well ! i can't and honestly, during my cold war, my mind used to wander around even more, I was just there (in gurudwara) because of my mom, and i couldn't pay attention.

So i left mom in Kirtan hall and went to langar hall. I sat next to two aunties whom my mom knew . One of the aunty asked me if i saw the speech of the guy who was suffering from cancer and was fully cured with the miracle that happened at Harmandir Sahib. I said, I don't know about it and don't know about any speech. She started telling me story about the faith of this man, who was at last stage of cancer and had only ten days left of his life. He went to Harmandir sahib and got cured and living life like a normal man.

Sometimes, being a science student and considering the practicality, it becomes hard for me to believe that anything like that can happen. I was like whatever...... cancer can never be cured. I was quietly listening to aunty and didn't presented my opinion, because i didn't wanted to argue, ......I was being smart ass, i was thinking ~these aunties know nothing about cancer...and aunty might have read some stupid punjabi newspaper and now she is making stories...... I was quite sure about my knowledge, because thats what i have learnt in my cellular biology classes that at last stage cancer can't never be cured. To believe her, was like doubting great scientists and biologist, which I had never done before.
Today, I went to same aunty's house with my mom. She told my mom about the same story and also showed the recording of the video of the guy on alpha tv punjabi on her DVR. I was shocked for a minute, now i had to believe her and doubt my knowledge, which i guess is ok!....... Finally, I did heard the speech of that man, he was suffering from throat cancer and was last-staged. He said he was fighting cancer for last one whole year. Somebody told him that if he worship at Harmandir sahib, his cancer will go away.....

His speech was so powerful,  it was really touching.  Driving back home, I  kept thinking that this man is amazing, babaji made him suffer for soooo long . He still went back .....i was thinking what i would have done if i was at his place???? Would i have went back....., I think i am not that strong, i would have never went back......i would have never ended the cold war w

Because i am the person who loses her faith easily.........from easily i mean, one bad test can put my faith in doubt..... I remember university days, one bad test used to make me go nuts. I used to cry and stand in front of babaji's photo and get angry with him. Because i wanted to know the reason, why my test went bad after working hard????
BUT today, I find my self so little, i fought with babaji over test score........, this man, who had just ten days of life remaining had no complains at all, no curosity to find the reason why babaji gave him such a disease????...Is this is a real faith....... i asked myself...???? Or not asking the reason for everything is a true faith???


~Parvy

"Fly like an ANGEL..."

After almost two and half years I went back to Santa Rosa Junior College (SRJC). I wanted Marianne Campbell to read my personal statement for the medical school. Marianne is a woman in her late fifties and works for the Learning Center at SRJC. She is also the principal of New Horizon School. Its a school for handicap children, I used to volunteer at her school .....that’s where I first me her. She is my godmother, guru, guide, mentor and everything. Working with handicap kids was great experience of my life and I feel really proud of it. Prior to working with those kids I always thought of them as different individuals, but believe me... they are not different from us, its just our perception or illusion.....
To make an appointment to meet her, I called at Learning center, she picked up the phone, I recognised her voice and I asked her "I am Parvinder, do you remember me"....she said, she does, very precisely. I almost jumped out of my chair,..lol. It was big thing for me that she still remember me, since she had been helping so many students and i was just one of them and also...it has been quite a while since the last time I met her.

Finally I was driving to SRJC....I had not been back to college after graduating from there. I had missed all my reunions; I have various excuses for not attending them. I also was looking forward to meet Marianne, who has been my great support system. She was the one person who used to encourage me at times, when college life was rough and tough.


Everything was changed at SRJC in such a short span of time; I was feeling like a stranger. New parking lot, new huge library in front of bookstore, and the track field looked quite different as well.  For moment I felt that I had never been at this place. Since I had spent two year at SRJC, I was familiar with whole campus, but certainly things were different. In my heart, I was getting nervous; what if Marianne didn't gave me good response and refuse to read my statement...what i am going to do??? I was just trying to be positive...and hoping that she will respond me..

Eventually I was at Learning center and there she was..... helping one of the student in political science assignment. Her positive attitude is something that make students like me...to PERSEVERE.


I told her that I have graduated from UC Davis with my BS and now I am applying to medical schools for MD program. She was soooooo happy; i could see that in her eyes. She told me that how proud she was of me....and also told her colleagues that "She (me) will be our doctor", I blushed and said, "Yes! i will be your doctor for sure"...I was really happy too. We didn't had enough time .....so she promised to meet me in Wednesday and read my statement.


I went to see her again on Wednesday after working in lab and skipping my work at hospital, and this time I took my camera with me, because i was not sure, when will be the next time, i'll see her. I wanted to catch atleast a moment with her.

So, this time when i met her, she read my statement and suggested some changes. We had time for some conversation... so we both went to cafeteria. We both talked about our lives. I talked about the things that were happening in my life and some struggle to reach my ultimate goal.

There are times in our lives, when we know what we want and how we will get what we want....... its just we get tired of continuous struggle. Instead of seeing the whole thing we are just able to see the glimpse of it. That what was happening with me. I told her that....I knew what i wanted, but was losing my hopes..... She said, whenever i get tired or lose my hope, i should close my eyes, and see myself in future when i will be doctor wearing my white coat with stethoscope, serving people. Her words were really inspiring. That’s what i needed..... the inspiration,..... the encouragement.


Now it was time to say her goodbye, we both walked together out of cafeteria and she hugged me tightly and..... said that I was on mission and there will be lot of situations which will prevent me from reaching the height I have to reach , she asked me to promise that I will not give, no matter what people says....there were tears in her and my eyes. She kissed me and finally said Just....

"Fly like a Angel".......


~Parvy

Is it just a Phase of life.....?

How many of us love Changes.....depends i guess what kind of change it is???? hmmm (pause)

 I know they are part of life and nature....but suddenly i am not sure how good i am at accepting and flowing with changes. I am really confused. Lately, i feel myself getting lost in the vortex of confusions. I am changing, i could feel that. My attitude towards life is changing. I don't want to talk to people I know or people who know me...i have no clue why??..... I am not proud of it and Not that i don't i love them BUT ..... I feel like talking to random people, strangers, who know nothing about me and i know nothing about them. No expectations at all....... Why I am doing that? Is it just phase of my life..... which will be over soon or stay for ever??.....Does it happen with everybody? Does everybody feel like breezing out in their life .....or its just who I am or whom i have changed to?

I am becoming more desperate to see myself as doctor, where my name says "Dr. Parvinder Kaur" and work in Mayo clinic. The imagination of myself working among the people who have same goal as i have in life...is just GREATTTTTTT. I know this journey needs lot of patience and persistent, but atleast i would know ...that i am on my track....and i am about reach the shore...!

I am in search of new identity, the identity that will represent my inner self. I just feel everything is changing, people are changing, things are changing. Suddenly friends have become strangers and strangers have become friend....is it happening for good or something bad...who knows?

I love my work and what i do...but i want something different now. Just getting tired of 9-10 job. I want Different and unique things, that stays for ever. I feel like life is not moving...its has become still....days are changing into nights and nights into days..but i feel life is somewhat stagnant....Do people also experience something like that in their life or its just me?

Dr.Charlie, my boss, my mentor, is establish doctor (MD) and he works for UCDMC ~Alzheimer's Center and has its own research lab. I want something like this in my life. Whenever i see him, i find him happy and satisfied in his life. I also want to be happy and satisfied....I know i have long journey to travel, but i hope this journey will be fruitful and i'll be satisfied at the end.

Lately, I feel like I am living life in small episodes....!

~parvy

World of IN-CAPABILITIES

Today, I was hesitant to leave for my another job at Sutter hospital. I had been working for oncology department before I took break from it and was working for ADC. After a while, I was going back to the same department, this thought was making me uncomfortable. I left for Sutter around 4:30 Pm from my lab.  I was looking at my watch and counting the hours i have to be on the floor of oncology dept.  While waiting for the elevator to the 4th floor of the hospital, I took a deep breath and closed my eyes for few quick seconds. Here was my elevator to the hopeless world. 

Oncology is not my favorite field of medicine, since there is no hope. This is the field that actually shows that no matter how hard human tries to cut the chase of life and death, BUT ....we can't never win. Taking steps towards the west side of the fourth floor, I was feeling nothing..... completely NUMB. 

I have ran away in these corridors to the bathroom or stock room to flea myself from misery of the patients. For me Oncology department represent the "Incapable World"

    All of nurses were happy to see me again. But i was PRETENDING to be happy and there was FAKE smile on my face.  I love serving people, but when people suffer or die due to medical in-capabilities they leave me behind with thousand unanswered questions.  

       As i got upto the nurses station, there was call from room #12, I went down to see what patient needed..... I went into the room and white woman in her late thirties...bald and was suffering from the Breast Cancer. Few month before she gave birth to baby boy, that was when her family found out about her cancer. In very early morning, she had chemotherapy, which  was making her noxious . She was puking all over. Her two little boys were scared to see their mom in worse condition. She asked her husband to take their kids in the lobby.  Younger one, was crying badly. As her kids were leaving her....... she started crying as well. At that very moment i started feeling low. These are situations that make my job even harder. I have to act compose since it was my job......I controlled my tears and quickly called the doctor and another nurse for help, as she was fainting and I was becoming blank.....

Few minutes later after helping her, I went to lobby to inform her husband that he can go ahead and be with his wife. He was trying to cheer up his boys. Looking at him, i told myself that we all pretend to be happy, but we all have different reason to fake our happiness.....

    I went upto his kids and asked their names and their ages. Both of them were so naive and innocent. I was thinking about the tragedy of life.... these poor little kids will soon lose their mother, they won't be even able to see their mother, touch her, kiss her, hug her, I became really emotional. Before, breaking down into tear in front of them...i took deep breath and hugged both of them.  

Huh.....one family will break into pieces.... one more family has become victim of CANCER, and  I asked myself is this something new for me?????? 

 Finally, I was back to "World of In-capabilities......."

~Parvy

Uncertainties of Life

Finally, after 10 days, I'm at work today, I was really uncertain of things that were happening in my life from past few days. I left early from Niharika's home, and was at work half n hour before my usual time. There were no cars in parking lot and it was kind of cold morning. I was really happy to be back at work. The first thing I did when i stepped into the lab, i went to the corner of the room looking for hamster cages. ...I found most of the hamster asleep. I opened the cage and held one of the hamsters in hand... BUT not like lab technician but as an animal lover. As a lab technician we are trained to hold the rodents from their tail....which is really mean, I know. I do torture these poor creatures sometimes while testing the chemicals that make them go through severe pain, but its part of my job. Sometimes I kill them when i give them stroke to test the new plant extracts and sometimes i have to take their spinal cord out and section them into pieces...yeah yeah i know i am not even proud of killing animals. I do feel guilty at times. 

Touching the white fur of hamster I was feeling great and relieved. Holding the little cute hamster in my hand I started looking over the new pictures that were posted on the poster board from our San Diego trip. My picture with Charlie getting award for being best research aide. The picture of me doing presentation and i kept starring at that picture of mine. I told myself this is who I am, I have to go far along. Nothing should really prevent me from reaching the status I want to have in my life. I have to work hard by forgetting everything that has happened in past. The whole feeling of uncertainty started to disappear and I was being back to what i am and what i want to be.

I have missed not being at work, i guess being at home was just torture, since there is nothing interesting to do. I hate being couch potato and watch movies all day. Lot has happen in last ten days. eeeeehhh....nothing very interesting, mostly the silly stuff that i could have prevented from being happening. But being optimistic today, I guess everything happens for good reason. I am still recovering from the back pain I was having for quite a while now and moving from apartment has made it even worse. After some time, the coordinator Evan came and he told me that most of the employees are leaving for Santa Monica, which I totally forgot. So there was not much to do and I could have went back home, but I didn't wanted to because I knew if I gave myself little free time, I will go back to thinking which i don't want to. So I decided to stick around and test some new samples of compounds that we have recently received from South Korea.

In few minutes rest of my colleagues came and everybody at work was really happy to see me and I was also relieved being with people I love to work. My work has become my meditation, since yoga has stopped working for me. I am not able to focus while doing yoga.

Parvy!

The feelings of Deja vu

Do you guys also experience the feeling of deja vu~" a feeling of having already experienced the present situation"

Everything~ my furniture, boxes of my clothes, dishes and other stuff was loaded into my black toyota 4 runner and my  friend Niharika's Chevrolet truck. I was very tired, from past few hours as i was loading the stuff continuously into the vehicles. My other friends Harji, harpreet helped me with moving . The moving is the pain in the ass. I was very desperate to leave the place and grab some food and cold beverage on my way back home to Santa Rosa.     

Finally, it was time to say good bye to my home (my apartment). My apartment which is located at second floor of the old building of Acadian properties in North Davis.I went upstairs to lock my apartment and take the final pictures....i stood at the entrance door and quietly looked at the empty apartment. Three years n half years ago i came to live in this apartment. At that time, this apartment was occupied by my older brother. Leaving alone with my older brother was challenge because we are two different people with different schools of thoughts.   

 There were times when we had terrible fights and also the times..... when my bro used to make italian pasta for me~ since thats the only thing he knew how to make :). I used to sit on kitchen counter top and study while he used to cook for me.  The times when we used to argue on the current events or....have debate on stem cell research in which he was involved. The times when we criticized each other and the times when we watched superbowl (soccer) together and cursed at raider for losing..lol!!  The time when our mom, dad and all our relatives came to visit our apartment when my bro graduated with Honors in Molecular Biology.  The two years ago when he left me alone in  this apartment and went to medical school for his further studies.  My life in this apartment for two years had been great. It wasn't my just apartment#7.... only but my HOME AWAY FROM HOME.    

Standing on doorsteps... "huh....time to find another home" i uttered. Certainly, i had Deja vu...i have experience the exact same feelings before....6 years ago...while leaving my house in ludhiana, India, where i lived since my birth. I clearly remembered how much i cried when i was leaving my home in India....my house in india was not very big house......But the walls of those house speak the stories of my childhood and my adolescent.  Suddenly i felt quite low and emotional,  ...because i wasn't sure where i was gonna live from now on...will i be able to find another home for myself that was the question?  "Shelly" , niharika called. "Time to hit highway before it gets too busy"...and i step down the stairs to my car....and drove away....from my ex-home...in search of new home...!

~A Homesless Bird...

The Moments of departure!

In my first blog, I want to acknowledge the person from whom I learnt the idea of blogging i.e. my friend and former classmate Rishab Singla~ Thanks Rishab. I am feeling very sad today  and may be this is the reason i decided to write this journal. 

  

Today was last meeting with my coach Nick. It was his retiring ceremony at PHS. He has been my mentor for last 6 years and i guess he will always be one. Today standing on the Lacrosse field in 102 F all the memories from past 6 years came and stood in in front of me. Honestly speaking i was never interested in sports before coming to US.  Back at home (India) i went to DAV public school, and the sportsmanship was never encouraged. I am not complaining but just stating the fact. Ok getting back to the point.

 

  My first day at high school in America, where students have to take some kind of sports in order to get their high school diploma. I was not very happy being part of the sports so called "LACROSSE" I was like "what is this game",  I had never heard of this sport before.

 Being a pessimistic ass i went to my first orientation meeting. I clearly remember, among other 24  white tall girls,  i was the only one Asian girl.... Not only my skin color was different, but my dress code was totally different, instead of wearing mahroon shorts and matching jersey, I was wearing grey sports pajamas and white t-shirt, which I now find hilarious :) But it  was natural since I was new to school and also the game.

In few moments i heard the whistling sound and there was my coach. He was tall, handsome white guy....he is really charming and caring gentleman.. :) He took our roll and he was stuck when he had to call my name, he had hard time speaking my name. For his connivence, from than on he gave me a new name ~PARVY.   He said, today we our just going to do 20 laps and 20 sit ups and push ups and  call the day. After 20 laps and 10 push ups....i was out of breadth....Man it was hard and i was not at all happy. I wanted to quit.Keeping this in mind and thinking that i will go for any other sports, i was leaving the gym and when my coach nick said "welcome to the family, Parvy and i will see you next time"....his sweet and kind words made me changed my mind and did went back ...yay!!!

With every passing day, I was in love with Lacrosse. It wasn't just the sports for me, but my meditation,  a way of breezing out from the ups and downs of the life, .  I can't say that i was very fantastic player, since i was new, but yes! i did made my effort and i scored really well during the season games. From high school i got the sports scholarship for college and which further encouraged me to play  for SRJC. 

His Loud and clear words "You can do it......YOU can do it" .."They won't give it to  you..you have to snatch it.....snatch it....show me you can do it...prove me right."  echoed my mind even during my academic career... I continued playing lacrosse even after my graduation. 

Back to-today, at our meeting with my coach at very same place where i was introduced to lacrossey i.e. on the field of Piner high school, santa rosa. All the girls were waiting for him to come and there i heard whistle again....but everybody became quiet, which was very usual.  Coach Nick gave  good bye speech which made every eye moist. This man hasn't changed, full of life and humor. 

      I wanted time to stop so that i could live in those moments of season games when i was loser and winner at times....there were times when i used to get really tired and gave up...but he always stood as pillar and inspire me to fight, regardless of the consequences.  

Finally,  when coach came upto me and hugged  me, i could not stop crying..... I could see tears in his eyes as well. He has given 30 years of his life to this field.... He said "you  are amazing young lady, parvy, I am sure you will go far along and stay in touch honey!". My heart was sinking and i was out of words. 

Being human we all hate this moment when we have to say good bye to people whom we love, adore and respect.  

~Parvy