In confusion...among the confusion...with confusions

I am really confuse personality...i mean...i am the severe version of confusionality..(if that is a word). It takes me 2 hours to match the nice top with my trouser or my skirt, to pick the rite color for my brother’s clothes and sometimes what i am gonna eat?. ...I AM a big confusion myself.

Recently my friends brought an idea that we guys should go and check out the new medical school in Bahamas and clinical rotations offered there. That was just the highlight of the tour...to make it sound purposeful...but the hidden agenda was to have 3 days break and chill after the second mini exam. My three other girlfriends agreed to be a part of the tour and when i was asked about my thought over the nice relaxing break in Bahamas....I was like “Three days, (paused and starred at each one of them...and said again..."THREE DAYS”... in middle of the semester, you guys are planning for A BReak to BAHAMAS, an another island????? I was like whats wrong with you people? Clearly, i wasn’t interested in messing up my schedule for three days and have fun...”...PS. i am one of those people who are even confuse and uncertain about their fun breaks after tiresome and brain raping midterms. My girlfriends kept insisting to change my mind and atleast give a thought to whole idea..
I think, since i have started my medical school, my first answer has become “No”, Nah, Nada...and so on. If some guy ask me out for dinner or lunch..my answer is ”I don’t think i have time”. Do you drink ? “No”, Do you wanna join for beach bash ? “Nooooo”.
Its not that i'm negative or pessimistic person...he he. It just that ...if i say yes, i have to rationalize my decision. Why i am doing something..if i am? Honestly its pain in the arse to convince myself! so I think my brain instead of going through the whole long process of convincing...just says...”NO”. I guess it easy for me and my brain to keep things light and save time for cramming the medical information thrown at us at every single nanosecond of our lives. As i was walking back home after long day, i got a call from one of my friend, asking me about my decision. “I told here that i will let her know early in the morning”
As i was lying on my bed, starring at the roof, i kept thinking ...why don’t i just say “yes” and just go and have fun...? Why i have to give so much thought to every thing i do in my life? After all there has been few things that i have done after whole thought process and they have turned out to be wrong decision.

I kept thinking..n i asked my self various question “Don’t i deserve a break from my same tiring routine?" The answer that i got was “you are a med student, you have to suck it up for next 4 years of your life and you better learn to give off on ur so called fun”. I was like ..ok!.. But then again i asked myself “When i am gonna get to do something like that with my friends?” My brain yelled at me “You have, your whole life, to go to this island ...earth is not gonna melt in 4 years, you can go abd have fun with your your husband and your kids.”.
Adding on to the above opinions given by my brain, i got final verdict saying that, "you will be 3 days behind in your classes..” and you won’t be able to get the grades you want in the mini... ..this thought just scared me and i was like i am not gonna go...what the hell!! Next time,...
Immediately my heart got overwhelmed... i was like, why my life is all about getting an “A’s”?. I mean... aren’t there many people who have fun and yet there are good doctors? Isn’t that eventually i am gonna be..? It has been an year since i have graduated with my bachelors. During these past 365 days who had really asked me about my my grade in “Physics, or human genomic or neuro”.? Who cares for crying out loud? and why “A” should only satisfy me?..I know few doctors back home that have barely made through their classes in university and medical school and yet they are successful. My heart asked my brain “Does getting an “A's” guarantee's me a better future”...? if yes, How better and secure my future will be compared to the people....who are not getting "A's"..(i am not being judgmental) ? I thought abt my mother's doctor in past..Dr. Pompas, who was really smart and intelligent doctor, but was really self-absorbed and gave such a poor patient care that hospital end up firing him. Do patient really care, what grades their doctors pulled through their college and medical carriers? I don't know that answer. I said to myself... At the end, i don’t think it really matters....it will all come down to the point,where we have to satisfy our patients by giving good health care...not by trophies or certificates of accomplishment.
I continued concincing myself by thinking that... there had been so many past trips and adventures that i had missed when i was in college as undergrad....either i was too busy preparing for exam or applying to medical school or preparing for medical entrance exam. I even missed my first cousin marriage because it was in middle of session and i really wanted to go. There always had been something that has kept me from being having fun with my friends or being with my family get-togethers. I don’t have any regrets because as students we all have to sacrifice on things like that, but sometimes i do thing how things would have been different if i would have gotten B's ? I would have still made to med school. But, would i have been where i am? I don’t know the right answer to this question.
Coming back to the trip decision...i decided that i am gonna go and have fun...and be happy. i wouldn’t care if i end up getting b’s on my mini exam....why should i care? I slept with this thought and

next day i went back to college, back to our regular lecture room...back to my same seat. Just looking at big screen which said "you are future doctor's" My mind immediately changed....I got frustrated, and without making anymore fuss over it...”I just wrote NO with smiley face on a piece of paper and flagged it to my friends who were sitting in adjacent row.

After that my heart kept asking me...why you did that..? My brain said.."i am confuse too on this decision...:("


Parvy

Me and Jamal..slumdogs rockstars

Now i know why i really like "Slumdog Millionaire"..not being offensive to any people who didn't like it for many reasons, but i like it because i have my reasons. Because i am a Slumdog,....non-millionaire.. :). Please don't judge, i don't want people to sterotype me...but that how it is...i will try to explain how..? From past many many days, i have been putting my feelings in the box, every single day, before going to bed and hoping that it won't jump out and confront me again.

Today, in morning, I WAS NOT THINKING ABOUT HIM, But, while i was searching for my ID card, from no where i found something which I wasn't anticipating to find.....that was the "Valentine's Card" which i bought for him. It has his name and half address written in glittery fluorescent ink on it. Here we go again, I was not suppose to think about him, my morning shouldn't always start with grief of loss, atleast not the day of my exam and my interview for scholarship. And why i should always think about him??? Life should be more then than my this grief...so i decided that today i am gonna end it all. I two folded the card and put it in the pocket of my six pocket pajma, deciding that i am going to submerge this card in evening. Trying to be too smart :)....jaundice might have screwed my brain. The continuous fever and drooping of eyelids had made my life hard. I wasn't able to study continuously. I was forcing and fighting myself through every second, every minute of an hour. I barely made through my exam and not caring about how i did.

The marathon of the day was not over yet, i was just half way through. I had two hours between my interview and exam, which was at 3:30 PM. I decided to have an hour nap and then go home and quickly change for it.I woke up 5 minutes before my interview time as i was shivering in fever,...

"I'm so dead..O My god...omg, I panicked what i am gonna do now???...I looked so shity in my messed up hairs and my pajmas!!!... I started debating should I even go for interview or should i leave it???...does matter if i get this scholarship? As i sat back on my chair, the great valentine card started irritating me, in my edgy tone...i said .."what does this card want from me now..?" "God! ..things and him have become so demanding, hurting me in one way or another." I was getting frustrated. I stood up to take that card out from my pocket and tear into freaking pieces, millions small pieces.. as it has no significance whatsoever, ...when relationship is dead. there is no point in keeping things related to it. My mind immediately changed and i quickly picked up my white coat and power walked to the administration office for my interview in my loose sports pajma and messed up dry hairs. I apparently looked like a Slumdog :).

I was like Jamal, having nothing prepared for interview, going in there, with no fear of loss or gain...i told myself, who care about this interview, "life sucks "... . After few embarrassing moments as i was 15 minutes late, i went into room where i met two Indian students (one male n female), one blonde and one white guy, all nicely dressed up.

It was not regular Q/A interview, but we were being observed by Dr. Karl Vinesten, as we solved the medical case...just like HOUSE MD. We have to come up with our own differentials for the case in half hours and tell ....what we think is the condition and why we think so, on the bases of our medical knowledge so far.....?

I won't go into the details of the case that we were given, but we also got the electrocardiogram (ECG) to solve the case. Ah!! man, ECG is not my favorite thing to do. I felt like sitting in the chair of JAMAL again, not knowing the answer, looking like a slumdog, people sitting in front of me ...judging me, coz i look like Aishwariya Rai in my pj's and palled brown eyes.

"Basics is the key. Your foundation can only be strong if you basics of medicine is strong...stick to it"...golden rule given by my brother and I admit, i hardly follow it, I ramble all around, like a one jerk or slumdog :). But this was time, i had to stick to basics, because that all i knew, this guy in front of me, i think came up with the diagnostic like in 5-10 minutes, must be genius...and i was just trying to figure out the mean electrical vector, so i could know if it was myocardial infarction. I could feel that my body temp was getting normal, as i was more alert. But still I was Jamal.... only diff b/w him and me was he did cared..but i didn't..life sucks anyways...no matter what you do. Will this scholarship mend my heart, will his so called ignore therapy will end...the answer was NO, NOPE, NAH, NADA...etc etc..

I stated what ever i figured out and said i think it is right ventricle hypertrophy...etc etc...and this guy who was street smart came up with emphsema and here was the debate..what is it??? I explained my MEV and how i came up with it...to Dr. Vinesten and other audience. Looking at this desi girl.. i was thinking, why should he even care,??? after all there are so many beautiful and talented girls out there and i am one slumdog.... loser and failure.

I didnt argued much and said that "you guys might be right, but this is what i think....". Dr. Vinesten, after listening to our arguments and differential said that, the method i have learnt, used reminded me of his med school days ..back in time. When medicine was practice differently, but using my method will take time to come up with diagnostic in clinicals n Boards. But i do understand the electrophysiology behind the ECG. So using this method will never give me wrong diagnostic,..Good work, he said!! And later he did asked me, if I forgot about interview?? I politely apologised.

It was not interview session but instead they just wanted to meet us and make sure we were deserving and passionate abt medicine. We all were final candidates for scholarship. Again, Jamal was not sure, if he was going to win. But he did win...even though he was loser, a SLUMDOG, who turned out to be ultimate winner...and he did get his love at the end. I was Jamal ...but i am not sure if i am ultimate winner, but i am a SLUMDOG, seating in place of Jamal, and lot of things yet to figure out!!!...

I sat down and again this card started bothering me, i took it out of my pocket and unfolded it..said it..."you are always going to be put on edge and you enjoy doing it???".....

I said to myself "losen up and relax, nothing matter more then life and death, as it might seems" :)....it was time to go home....just like Jamal went back his home with his gf, i went back home with my memories of him with that card...

...i came back to my room and put that card back into the box...hoping again...it won't come out!!!

Parvy

The Raaga of Strange Land..

The day i have landed here, in this strange land, among strange people. I hear a different music played by the nature here~ the canopy of trees, the waves of the ocean, the language of locals, the language that i am learning.....all, I mean all of them, suddenly seems to have different rhythm all together, different raagas. I feel like unexperienced child, who is learning from the beginning, how to play musical instrument like guitar or piano. There is hesitation, I don't know why...??? If I didn't played this instrument correctly, it will produce white noise rather than,  harmonious song. 

Walking down, up and down the hill, my minds become out of control, as it starts thinking at the speed of light and all of sudden I am left in dilemma, which makes my life overwhelming.  The raaga of this new song that life is playing is hard to follow, hard to understand and hard to learn at the same time. 

My plans switch from minute to minute. I miss home, and my loved ones. I feel that I don't know myself sometimes..? Sometimes most of the day is spend in the solitude with books, when there is no one to even call my name...I feel that I am pre-mature born baby in the incubation. I couldn't stop crying when Ma said that she miss listening my giggles at home. Today, there were no initial plan of mine to go to beach, but I thought at least, silent waves of ocean will understand the tranquility that is increasing by every passing minute in my soul. 

The raaga's of this strange land makes me happy at one moment and another moment I am left pondering... I hated this, it totally reminds the days of volunteer-ship at New horizon school for handicap student. When I used the sign language to communicated with kids there, I feel no less then them, because those kids had so many things to say, to do...... but their disabilities prevented them from telling their feelings, from doing the things they would have love to do. I am not disabled with grace of god, but there is helplessness, the silence that I hear,  even though there is white noise of people walking by me, laughing etc etc. But i feel that I am standing still and people are passing through me and I don't exist anymore in this strange land which has it own raags....everything is beautiful but why my heart is sinking????

But when I say my feeling carelessly not thinking about consequences  I get confuse that if i had said more than I should have??? Am i am making myself vulnerable? Are there rules, that I have to follow?? Where are things going? Am i happy?? And are others happy??? 

Parvy