When trust is an Issue...

How many of us trust people quite easily? I was among one of those people...but i have changed, I have become more of cautious kind of person..not sure if thats good or bad...

Today in morning, I woke up just on time. I was getting quite late for my rock climbing class. I quickly brushed my teeth and left for my class in night pj's. I didn't even get time to eat. It was windy morning. I was excited because finally after 4 lessons on climbing and belaying we were going to actually climb the 30 feet tall rocked wall. I have been waiting for this day since last year, when i came to know that ARC offers rock climbing classes.

After reaching ARC, I quickly wore my climbing shoes, got my harness and other climbing device from instrument room. We did warm-up exercise, the whole time i was telling my partner Henry Yu, that i can't wait to be up that high. After quick warm up, our coach Mathew Vaughn gave us safety tips.

I got ready for climbing with my safety belt and tight rope around me. I checked Henry to make sure that he was ready to belay me. We called off our names and I started climbing, I was about ten feet high on the wall. The rocks on the wall were scrapping my hands, and it was hard to pull myself up on the rocks, but i was doing it...... BUT once i looked down at Henry who was on the ground to make sure that i don't fall....i got DAMM scared. The first thing that came to my mind was what if he couldn't belay me after reaching the top..? I felt like rocks on the higher end of the wall are about to fall on me. I got really scared. The whole point was to TRUST my partner......BUT I couldn't trust him. Even though he was saying that he has things under control and i should climb further. I could sense his voice falling on my ears, but not reaching my brain. I was becoming blank, all other student were climbing but i couldn't. I asked Henry to pull me down. When i reached the ground, a cold drench ran through my body....i was nervous, my hands were turning blue....I just sat down on the floor. My coach asked me if i was ok? I didn't said anything, I was just not feeling well at all. I apologised to my coach and Henry, and left early from class. I sat outside the gym thinking that, How can quit like that? I am not a quitter....I told myself...But i couldn't trust Henry either. I don't know why..But I am not quitter, i told my mom about the whole incident, she said "rock climbing is tough activity and i'll learn slowly and slowly. But i wasn't convinced....

Recently, TRUST has become a issue for me, I take decisions and than i don't trust my judgement. Even at work, I have stop trusting people....i doubt their decisions. Trust which is foundation of every single relationship. Does it happen with everybody? I wasn't like that, i know i used to trust people quite easily...since when i have changed?? I have no clue....

Parvy

A Void

This journal i wrote when Niharika left. I am publishing today~11/9/08

Final call was made for international flights to Iraq, Jordan, UAE....I was standing by Pete's cousin sister Julie and niharika's buaji.  Niharika looked at me quickly and started setting her trolly for boarding. Pete hugged her sister and buaji and me. I knew the time to say final god bye had began already.  I didn't had guts to go near Nihar and hug her for one last time. I was practically numb and I could feel that my blood pressure was quite low, since i didn't ate anything for past 6 hours. I was avoiding her....i knew for one more time if i went near her...it will be hard for me to control my tears and her as well. Before leaving for airport mom called and said that i shouldn't be crying because Niharika's needs encouragement, and i promise that i won't cry. So i was keeping my words, by avoiding her...

She took deep breath and hugged her buaji and her buaji said ~"that from now on Pete was her family, the family that she has longed for, so for each and every minute from now on...she has to pray for his long life".

  I was happy for her that atleast she has found her love, her soul mate in Pete.  Pete came upto me and said that i should say good bye as the were boarding in few minutes. I couldn't resist and i hugged her so tightly and we both cried....every moment was creating A void....A VOID, and i told her not to cry, even though tears were rolling down my cheeks. Pete came  and hugged  us and consoled. There was silence between us...... even though there was white noise of announcements...i let her finally go, she was gone....in few minutes...she was behind the glass wall... i could see her and Pete getting their luggage checked by security. Everybody kept waving their hands, but i just simply starred ...i was sad, depress...i couldn't even smile, i could see that she was blank as well and pete was their to  hold her. 

After coming back to Davis, nothing seems to be known ....i felt like perfect stranger. A VOID of my friend, my mentor in my life was created may be forever...A VOID.....

Parvy!!