Love on Trial

Last night, I was working at Sutter hospital. One of our patient who had a brain tumor was scheduled to get neurosurgery. This kind of surgery that was suppose to be carried out was done very rare. The neurosurgeons and oncologist where going to access his tumor through his ear canal, which i have never heard before. After helping the nurses with other patients i went to OR and was watching the surgery. The surgery was suppose to go 14 hours. There were lot of nurses and others doctors who were watching the surgery from the view theater. His wife was also sitting among us. She was white woman in her late forties. It was first time that i saw a white woman chanting the god's name, it was surprising because most of the Americans are not very religious. Almost two hours passed and i was still watching the surgery that was carried out and listening to what doctors were saying about the likelihood of this man's survival. Suddenly, my phone vibrated, I went aside in the corner and picked up the phone. On the floor we are not suppose to take any private calls, but i know what made me take my cousin's call.

My cousin and myself are two different individual, we don't have any similarties what so ever. We had different priorities after graduating from high school....but i had always loved her, since she is younger than me. I always treated her like my younger biological sister.

Getting back to the call........, she asked me if i had few minutes to listen to her....i wanted to go back and watch the surgery...but i could sense that there was something wrong from her sobbing and heavy voice. She told me that .......she was getting divorce with her husband..... and for a  minute, ...i just thought that... she might had fight with Amar and she is just angry with him, and thats why she is saying like that. I asked her what happened, she said.... "Amar is not the same person I married, he is so suspicious all the time...."

I didn't know what to say....i told her that if she was joking with me, its really bad on her part.... She said ~she was serious and she is back to massi's place with her one year old daughter and meeting the attorney to file divorce. I told her that i will call her after work...because i was just out of words and didn't wanted to say anything without thinking...I want back to OR theater, but i couldn't focus. I decided to leave early from work.

From going back to the oncology floor, in the elevator, back to parking lot, driving back home...i kept saying that they guys were love...they guys were love??? How come love can die in three years of marriage...love should grown more and more with every passing year of marriage. Isn't the marriage the success of love????....I asked myself..and the answer that i got from my heart was "definitely"....how can love die??

It was not the first time i was seeing the two people in marriage getting divorce, but i couldn't imagine that this time it was my cousin and her husband. My cousin ... went against whole family and relatives to just marry this guy....now what has happened???

 Love can put relationships and people on trial....and this time my cousin' marriage was on trial.

I am very familiar with this so called man name "Mr.Love" I have seen the strength of love, the happiness it can offer and disappointments it can created in one's life. 
I was just thinking about the vows that two people take when they get married....how come those vows weaken in just three years of marriage??? What is the fault of their one year old daughter??? She doesn't even understand the meaning of father and she will be losing one soon....THE LOVE was putting the life of one year old on trial. 

I already had the hatred feeling towards this~ "The LOVE", but suddenly, I pity on the people who say that they love some one, because they have no clue what they are putting themselves into.

 In the contemporary world of today love is just a fashion, just like a branded clothes..IT is a BRANDED feelings. People wants to try this branded feelings, because they see others trying this brand so called LOVE.....because they don't know the hazards that love can cause. People are unaware of the radiation that love is capable of spreading....which in most cases is capable of destroying their life and life of people connected to them..

So i honestly pity the people in LOVE...because they don't know their life is on Trial.....

Parvy

Finding the reasons.!

Why things happen? and why they happen with me? Were usually my two questions that i ask babaji quite often, but guess what ......i never got answers. Sometimes my mom and other people used to tell me that its is matter of Karma.... i don't find this quite convincing answer...many of them do, i don't think that is the answer i am looking for..until to day.

I used to be a firm believer of god, but things happened in my life that tested my faith. Honestly speaking, I've failed at situations when my faith or trust in babaji was tested . I am not patient at all and very desperate to get good and instant results. I am always curious to know the REASONS for things that go wrong with me. When i don't have any bad intention, why things don't always go well!!!!.........

Few weeks ago, I stopped doing padh and i never told my parent's about my cold war with babaji. So i went to gurudwara whenever my mom asked me, because i knew if she figure out about my cold war, I will be scolded and will pushed to do padh, which i didn't wanted to.

Couple of days ago i went to gurudwara with mom. Before moving on I have question to people who are reading my blog.....
How many of you can focus and just think about god, when we are in temple or gurudwara? Well ! i can't and honestly, during my cold war, my mind used to wander around even more, I was just there (in gurudwara) because of my mom, and i couldn't pay attention.

So i left mom in Kirtan hall and went to langar hall. I sat next to two aunties whom my mom knew . One of the aunty asked me if i saw the speech of the guy who was suffering from cancer and was fully cured with the miracle that happened at Harmandir Sahib. I said, I don't know about it and don't know about any speech. She started telling me story about the faith of this man, who was at last stage of cancer and had only ten days left of his life. He went to Harmandir sahib and got cured and living life like a normal man.

Sometimes, being a science student and considering the practicality, it becomes hard for me to believe that anything like that can happen. I was like whatever...... cancer can never be cured. I was quietly listening to aunty and didn't presented my opinion, because i didn't wanted to argue, ......I was being smart ass, i was thinking ~these aunties know nothing about cancer...and aunty might have read some stupid punjabi newspaper and now she is making stories...... I was quite sure about my knowledge, because thats what i have learnt in my cellular biology classes that at last stage cancer can't never be cured. To believe her, was like doubting great scientists and biologist, which I had never done before.
Today, I went to same aunty's house with my mom. She told my mom about the same story and also showed the recording of the video of the guy on alpha tv punjabi on her DVR. I was shocked for a minute, now i had to believe her and doubt my knowledge, which i guess is ok!....... Finally, I did heard the speech of that man, he was suffering from throat cancer and was last-staged. He said he was fighting cancer for last one whole year. Somebody told him that if he worship at Harmandir sahib, his cancer will go away.....

His speech was so powerful,  it was really touching.  Driving back home, I  kept thinking that this man is amazing, babaji made him suffer for soooo long . He still went back .....i was thinking what i would have done if i was at his place???? Would i have went back....., I think i am not that strong, i would have never went back......i would have never ended the cold war w

Because i am the person who loses her faith easily.........from easily i mean, one bad test can put my faith in doubt..... I remember university days, one bad test used to make me go nuts. I used to cry and stand in front of babaji's photo and get angry with him. Because i wanted to know the reason, why my test went bad after working hard????
BUT today, I find my self so little, i fought with babaji over test score........, this man, who had just ten days of life remaining had no complains at all, no curosity to find the reason why babaji gave him such a disease????...Is this is a real faith....... i asked myself...???? Or not asking the reason for everything is a true faith???


~Parvy

"Fly like an ANGEL..."

After almost two and half years I went back to Santa Rosa Junior College (SRJC). I wanted Marianne Campbell to read my personal statement for the medical school. Marianne is a woman in her late fifties and works for the Learning Center at SRJC. She is also the principal of New Horizon School. Its a school for handicap children, I used to volunteer at her school .....that’s where I first me her. She is my godmother, guru, guide, mentor and everything. Working with handicap kids was great experience of my life and I feel really proud of it. Prior to working with those kids I always thought of them as different individuals, but believe me... they are not different from us, its just our perception or illusion.....
To make an appointment to meet her, I called at Learning center, she picked up the phone, I recognised her voice and I asked her "I am Parvinder, do you remember me"....she said, she does, very precisely. I almost jumped out of my chair,..lol. It was big thing for me that she still remember me, since she had been helping so many students and i was just one of them and also...it has been quite a while since the last time I met her.

Finally I was driving to SRJC....I had not been back to college after graduating from there. I had missed all my reunions; I have various excuses for not attending them. I also was looking forward to meet Marianne, who has been my great support system. She was the one person who used to encourage me at times, when college life was rough and tough.


Everything was changed at SRJC in such a short span of time; I was feeling like a stranger. New parking lot, new huge library in front of bookstore, and the track field looked quite different as well.  For moment I felt that I had never been at this place. Since I had spent two year at SRJC, I was familiar with whole campus, but certainly things were different. In my heart, I was getting nervous; what if Marianne didn't gave me good response and refuse to read my statement...what i am going to do??? I was just trying to be positive...and hoping that she will respond me..

Eventually I was at Learning center and there she was..... helping one of the student in political science assignment. Her positive attitude is something that make students like me...to PERSEVERE.


I told her that I have graduated from UC Davis with my BS and now I am applying to medical schools for MD program. She was soooooo happy; i could see that in her eyes. She told me that how proud she was of me....and also told her colleagues that "She (me) will be our doctor", I blushed and said, "Yes! i will be your doctor for sure"...I was really happy too. We didn't had enough time .....so she promised to meet me in Wednesday and read my statement.


I went to see her again on Wednesday after working in lab and skipping my work at hospital, and this time I took my camera with me, because i was not sure, when will be the next time, i'll see her. I wanted to catch atleast a moment with her.

So, this time when i met her, she read my statement and suggested some changes. We had time for some conversation... so we both went to cafeteria. We both talked about our lives. I talked about the things that were happening in my life and some struggle to reach my ultimate goal.

There are times in our lives, when we know what we want and how we will get what we want....... its just we get tired of continuous struggle. Instead of seeing the whole thing we are just able to see the glimpse of it. That what was happening with me. I told her that....I knew what i wanted, but was losing my hopes..... She said, whenever i get tired or lose my hope, i should close my eyes, and see myself in future when i will be doctor wearing my white coat with stethoscope, serving people. Her words were really inspiring. That’s what i needed..... the inspiration,..... the encouragement.


Now it was time to say her goodbye, we both walked together out of cafeteria and she hugged me tightly and..... said that I was on mission and there will be lot of situations which will prevent me from reaching the height I have to reach , she asked me to promise that I will not give, no matter what people says....there were tears in her and my eyes. She kissed me and finally said Just....

"Fly like a Angel".......


~Parvy

Is it just a Phase of life.....?

How many of us love Changes.....depends i guess what kind of change it is???? hmmm (pause)

 I know they are part of life and nature....but suddenly i am not sure how good i am at accepting and flowing with changes. I am really confused. Lately, i feel myself getting lost in the vortex of confusions. I am changing, i could feel that. My attitude towards life is changing. I don't want to talk to people I know or people who know me...i have no clue why??..... I am not proud of it and Not that i don't i love them BUT ..... I feel like talking to random people, strangers, who know nothing about me and i know nothing about them. No expectations at all....... Why I am doing that? Is it just phase of my life..... which will be over soon or stay for ever??.....Does it happen with everybody? Does everybody feel like breezing out in their life .....or its just who I am or whom i have changed to?

I am becoming more desperate to see myself as doctor, where my name says "Dr. Parvinder Kaur" and work in Mayo clinic. The imagination of myself working among the people who have same goal as i have in life...is just GREATTTTTTT. I know this journey needs lot of patience and persistent, but atleast i would know ...that i am on my track....and i am about reach the shore...!

I am in search of new identity, the identity that will represent my inner self. I just feel everything is changing, people are changing, things are changing. Suddenly friends have become strangers and strangers have become friend....is it happening for good or something bad...who knows?

I love my work and what i do...but i want something different now. Just getting tired of 9-10 job. I want Different and unique things, that stays for ever. I feel like life is not moving...its has become still....days are changing into nights and nights into days..but i feel life is somewhat stagnant....Do people also experience something like that in their life or its just me?

Dr.Charlie, my boss, my mentor, is establish doctor (MD) and he works for UCDMC ~Alzheimer's Center and has its own research lab. I want something like this in my life. Whenever i see him, i find him happy and satisfied in his life. I also want to be happy and satisfied....I know i have long journey to travel, but i hope this journey will be fruitful and i'll be satisfied at the end.

Lately, I feel like I am living life in small episodes....!

~parvy

World of IN-CAPABILITIES

Today, I was hesitant to leave for my another job at Sutter hospital. I had been working for oncology department before I took break from it and was working for ADC. After a while, I was going back to the same department, this thought was making me uncomfortable. I left for Sutter around 4:30 Pm from my lab.  I was looking at my watch and counting the hours i have to be on the floor of oncology dept.  While waiting for the elevator to the 4th floor of the hospital, I took a deep breath and closed my eyes for few quick seconds. Here was my elevator to the hopeless world. 

Oncology is not my favorite field of medicine, since there is no hope. This is the field that actually shows that no matter how hard human tries to cut the chase of life and death, BUT ....we can't never win. Taking steps towards the west side of the fourth floor, I was feeling nothing..... completely NUMB. 

I have ran away in these corridors to the bathroom or stock room to flea myself from misery of the patients. For me Oncology department represent the "Incapable World"

    All of nurses were happy to see me again. But i was PRETENDING to be happy and there was FAKE smile on my face.  I love serving people, but when people suffer or die due to medical in-capabilities they leave me behind with thousand unanswered questions.  

       As i got upto the nurses station, there was call from room #12, I went down to see what patient needed..... I went into the room and white woman in her late thirties...bald and was suffering from the Breast Cancer. Few month before she gave birth to baby boy, that was when her family found out about her cancer. In very early morning, she had chemotherapy, which  was making her noxious . She was puking all over. Her two little boys were scared to see their mom in worse condition. She asked her husband to take their kids in the lobby.  Younger one, was crying badly. As her kids were leaving her....... she started crying as well. At that very moment i started feeling low. These are situations that make my job even harder. I have to act compose since it was my job......I controlled my tears and quickly called the doctor and another nurse for help, as she was fainting and I was becoming blank.....

Few minutes later after helping her, I went to lobby to inform her husband that he can go ahead and be with his wife. He was trying to cheer up his boys. Looking at him, i told myself that we all pretend to be happy, but we all have different reason to fake our happiness.....

    I went upto his kids and asked their names and their ages. Both of them were so naive and innocent. I was thinking about the tragedy of life.... these poor little kids will soon lose their mother, they won't be even able to see their mother, touch her, kiss her, hug her, I became really emotional. Before, breaking down into tear in front of them...i took deep breath and hugged both of them.  

Huh.....one family will break into pieces.... one more family has become victim of CANCER, and  I asked myself is this something new for me?????? 

 Finally, I was back to "World of In-capabilities......."

~Parvy

Uncertainties of Life

Finally, after 10 days, I'm at work today, I was really uncertain of things that were happening in my life from past few days. I left early from Niharika's home, and was at work half n hour before my usual time. There were no cars in parking lot and it was kind of cold morning. I was really happy to be back at work. The first thing I did when i stepped into the lab, i went to the corner of the room looking for hamster cages. ...I found most of the hamster asleep. I opened the cage and held one of the hamsters in hand... BUT not like lab technician but as an animal lover. As a lab technician we are trained to hold the rodents from their tail....which is really mean, I know. I do torture these poor creatures sometimes while testing the chemicals that make them go through severe pain, but its part of my job. Sometimes I kill them when i give them stroke to test the new plant extracts and sometimes i have to take their spinal cord out and section them into pieces...yeah yeah i know i am not even proud of killing animals. I do feel guilty at times. 

Touching the white fur of hamster I was feeling great and relieved. Holding the little cute hamster in my hand I started looking over the new pictures that were posted on the poster board from our San Diego trip. My picture with Charlie getting award for being best research aide. The picture of me doing presentation and i kept starring at that picture of mine. I told myself this is who I am, I have to go far along. Nothing should really prevent me from reaching the status I want to have in my life. I have to work hard by forgetting everything that has happened in past. The whole feeling of uncertainty started to disappear and I was being back to what i am and what i want to be.

I have missed not being at work, i guess being at home was just torture, since there is nothing interesting to do. I hate being couch potato and watch movies all day. Lot has happen in last ten days. eeeeehhh....nothing very interesting, mostly the silly stuff that i could have prevented from being happening. But being optimistic today, I guess everything happens for good reason. I am still recovering from the back pain I was having for quite a while now and moving from apartment has made it even worse. After some time, the coordinator Evan came and he told me that most of the employees are leaving for Santa Monica, which I totally forgot. So there was not much to do and I could have went back home, but I didn't wanted to because I knew if I gave myself little free time, I will go back to thinking which i don't want to. So I decided to stick around and test some new samples of compounds that we have recently received from South Korea.

In few minutes rest of my colleagues came and everybody at work was really happy to see me and I was also relieved being with people I love to work. My work has become my meditation, since yoga has stopped working for me. I am not able to focus while doing yoga.

Parvy!